[During The News]
Jeremy: Yes, there's just one problem with the launch control. It is the stupidest thing ever fitted to a car.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: No, seriously, when you think about it, what you have to do to engage it, right, a series of switches. Then you put your left foot on the brake, plant your right foot hard down on the accelerator, yeah, and when the lights go green you take your foot of the brake and it goes. Computer sorts it out, as you say. So, OK, you're at the lights, [imitating loud engine noise] MEHHHH! And everyone's looking at you thinking, what an unintelligent man. [laughter]
Richard: It does makes a bit of a scene.
Jeremy: It does really.
James: You know what the most uncivilized thing you can do with a car -- is to use launch control at a zebra crossing. [laughter]
Jeremy: MEHHHH! Come on, old lady!
Richard: It would hurry 'em up!
Jeremy: Can we just say one other thing as well, about launch control? Only one of us has it fitted to our car.
Richard: Yeah, true.
Jeremy and Richard: Is it, no, it's him! [both point at James, who smiles sheepishly]
Jeremy: James May has launch control.
James: Yeah, but I don't use it.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: You don't say!
James: No, it's --
Richard: Are you sure? Every time you leave the pie shop, "Thanks for the pies, I'm off! MEHHHH!"

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I talk to two old ladies; Richard makes a phone call; And James sniffs his own armpit.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I use a machine. James writes on a blackboard. And Richard lobs fruit into a caravan.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James asks a girl for a favour.
Girl: [slowly] No.
Jeremy: Richard listens to a man. And I polish a bishop.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I find a bicycle in a river; James annoys a dog; and Richard jumps over a dyke!

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard Hammond buys a cup of coffee; James May slips on some snow...
James: I hate snow.
Jeremy: ...and we show a picture of Steve McQueen.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, I talk to a man in sunglasses. James draws a square on a wall. And Richard plays with a soldier's chopper.

[In Jeremy's Mercedes-Benz CL 600]
Jeremy: Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK. [to the radio] Radio Two.
Male Voice on Radio: Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.
Female Voice on Radio: Cancel.
Jeremy: That's working brilliantly. Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered. Total disobedience! [laughs]

[Jeremy Clarkson decides to try using explosives to speed up the demolition of one of the houses they've gone to demolish]
Jeremy: FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[The explosives are detonated, there is a lot of smoke and dust, but all that falls is the door of the house which is otherwise intact]
Richard: (a la Michael Caine) You only blown the bloody door off!

[on the BMW 1M]
Jeremy: So, what do we got here? Well, there's a straight-6 engine at the front, a manual gearbox in the middle and drive goes to the back. That's page 1, chapter 1 from the Petrosexual Handbook.

[on the MG 6]
Jeremy: I don't think the factory where it's being made is very in Longbridge is Modern at all, because I've got the press release they sent out here and it says the first car was driven off the line by the only woman who works there.
Richard: That's not very modern, is it.
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Did they go on to say, "and best of all, she has a smashing pair of knockers!"
James: Don't tell me, it says next "Don't worry chaps, we'll let her drive it off, but we won't let her park it!"

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he can't eat mashed potato, for religious reasons. And that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, all of them... for the final of the women's wrestling. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's called the Stig.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottinghamshire. And that he recently received a very strong e-mail from his fiancee's mother saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet. All we know is he's called the Stig!

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt. And that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2,000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is, he's called The Stig.