Jeremy: I'm not going round-- [Richard uses his car to push Jeremy] I am going round the-- Hammond! Don't be an arse! Hammond, stop it!

Jeremy: I'm now driving my car of many colours, and many cylinders, into Jordan. A country famous for not having Bethlehem in it.

Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wears a blue hat, James wears a different hat, and I wear a hat with things on it.

Jeremy: We know Saabs are driven by architects, yes? We know Audis are driven by people who play golf. We know Land Rover Discoveries are driven by murderers.
James: Ah, now...
Jeremy: What?
James: I'm going to have to pull you up on that, as I think you'll find murderers drive a Renault Espace.
Jeremy: Well, Kenneth Noye was a murderer, he had a Land Rover Discovery.
James: So he may have done, but Harold Shipman drove a Renault Espace, Fred West drove a Renault Espace, Peter Sutcliffe drove a Renault 16.
Richard: That's only because the Espace hadn't been invented.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: This is a Top Gear top tip. If you're a policeman and there's been a murder in your area, simply arrest anyone who has a practical Renault. [laughter]

Jeremy: [voiceover] The Fiat's tyre had changed its mind about having air in it.
Richard: BUGGER!

Jeremy: Forgive me for saying this, but a good looking chap such yourself tends not to be funny.
John Bishop: [looks at Jeremy] ...You are funny.

Jeremy: You know when you drive behind the gritting machine and say "Oh no, it's turning my car into a DeLorean!

John Manlove: [talking about the results of Richard's car] Again, the steering wheel had what turned out to be saliva staining on it. And lastly, we have pubic hairs, [James snorts] and, uh, faeces.
Jeremy: [laughs] I'm sorry, did you just say the word "faeces"?
John Manlove: What certainly appeared to be faecal matter, yeah.
James: That's poo, isn't it?
Jeremy: That's poo. It's...
James: [to Richard] Your car's got poo in it.
Richard: Is that... normal?
Jeremy: It's like driving around in a Morroccan prison, in the front of his car? [voiceover] After the forensic test, my colleagues were very distressed.
[James is wearing surgical gloves and a mouth mask in his car, Richard is wearing a hazmat suit]
Richard: Oh, God!

Richard: [after seeing that part of his car's rear body had fallen off] My arse! I've lost an entire buttock!

Richard: And I have never experienced a car this big, and so powerful.

[After Jeremy has driven the Ferrari 599 GTO]
James: You know what, when you were driving with the traction control off, it looked pretty much undriveable.
Jeremy: It was. The thing is, though, after I made that film, I went to Italy with it. I drove it in the dry, and it was a lot better, but, all the time, you can sense it's plotting on new and exciting ways of killing you. You know Cato?
James: What, from the Pink Panther?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: That's my favourite comic character, pretty much.
Jeremy: It's like that. You go around the corner. You think "Yes, I've got this, I'm holding this well." And suddenly, it goes into a massive tail slide.
James: Not now, Cato.
Jeremy: It is. You go back to a hotel room at night thinking, "Is it in the mini bar? Is it on top of the wardrobe?" You know it's going to leap out and attack you at any moment.

[after Jeremy suggest to get out of Iraq as quickly as possible by going towards the Iranian border]
Richard: Hang on, isn't - Bethlehem's over here, isn't it? (while pointing at Bethlehem on the map)
Jeremy and James: Yeah.
Richard: Well, that's the way we want to go.
Jeremy: Yes, through places like Mosul and Baghdad perhaps. Have you ever seen a television programme called The News?
Richard: Well, I'm aware of it.
Jeremy: Trust me, Mosul is properly dangerous.
Richard: That's really bad, isn't it.
Jeremy: That's as bad as it gets anywhere in the world right now.
Richard: And that where we are? (pointing at Arbil on the map) That's where it's really bad?
Jeremy: We are - less than a finger's width away. So up there (pointing to the map), into Iran, into Turkey, and then down there and that way, so we miss - we can get out of Iraq and then go 'round it.
James: Sounds like a plan.
Jeremy: So the wise men from the east are setting off east. Northeast.

[after the build quality test with Jeremy's convertible, he gets out]
Jeremy: [his voice is high-pitched from breathing helium] Right. I just have to say, that's a stupid test.
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: [still in a helium voice] It is stupid. It's just a test of how big your lungs are.

[checking the leader board]
Jeremy: Tom Cruise is the fastest, and then Cameron Diaz...
John Bishop: Oh, I've always wanted to be on top of her.
Jeremy: [applauses]...

[debating where they're landing]
James: Is it China?
Richard: Well, if they came from the east, Norfolk.
Jeremy: Well, I tell you something, wherever the hell that is, it's not Norwich.