Richard: [voiceover] Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead.
Jeremy: [going through box] ...Some rubber tubing... Durex...
Richard: Condoms?!
Jeremy: Vaseline... Tampax... and er... Viagra.
James: I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but, that's a bit extreme.
Richard: What kind of party are they planning?

Richard: Earlier on, we built an electric car called Geoff, and he was... a disaster. And I'm not one to apportion blame, but it was entirely James's fault.

Richard: Have we just been abandoned here to die?

Richard: I can't remember if I took my malaria pill this morning. If I were a girl, I'd be pregnant, a lot!

Richard: I feel like the Pope with his head in a box.

testing the Noble M600]
Jeremy': This down here is exactly the same switch that a pilot uses in a Tornado fighter-bomber to fire the missiles. It was specifically designed so it couldn't be used by accident, and that is a good thing. Because in here what it does... is turn the traction control off. ...Aah! I wish I'd kept it on! Oh, I really wish I'd kept it on!

[A little later...]
Jeremy: Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
[Richard and Jeremy quickly panic...]
Jeremy: It's coming up here; it's coming up here! It's known locally as the "Big Vicious Killer Snake"!
Richard: Thanks.

[a member of the audience claims also to have James's "fizzing sensation"]
Jeremy: You have? Or do you just want to be on television?

[About Romania]
Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.
Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.

[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]
Jeremy: Criminals! Would you like to get away with your crimes? Are you capable of running more than a hundred yards? Well, good news!
[...]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO2. I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a policeman. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television."

[About the Hawk Lancia Stratos kit car]
Jeremy: The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed my frank up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher... but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.

[After emerging from the rainforest and onto a very rocky dirt road, James and Hammond's cars, due to poor suspension, are battered and clattering]
Richard: [in his truck, provoked] Aaaaagh, God!
[In James's truck]
James: [to his car] Stop it!!
[In Jeremy's truck, which hardly has any damage...]
Jeremy: [into walkie-talkie] Uh, just answer me this simple question: How comfortable are you two right now?
[In Richard's Toyota]
Richard: [into walkie-talkie, sarcastic casualty] D'you know it's absolutely lovely, it's like a big bed and mattress. I really am - oh, yeah! Relaxing. Yeah...!
[James's truck goes over a bump]
James: Oh! Jesus.
[In Jeremy's truck]
Jeremy: Have I broken James's spine? There'll be two Ted Nugents in a minute.
[Back in Richard's truck]
Richard: [desperately irritated] Oh, I'm so sick of that noise!! [to the car] STOP RATTLING AT ME!
[Cut to Jeremy listening to Will Young's Grace on his iPod, perfectly comfortable]

[After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley]
Richard: [voiceover] We realized we'd have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
Jeremy: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!
Richard: [to James] Has he got a chainsaw?
[Jeremy fires up the chainsaw]
Jeremy: OH YES!
Richard: [expressing annoyance] Oh God...

[Also on the BMW X5 M]
Jeremy: This car would be less annoying to eco-mentalists if its engine ran on sliced dolphin.