[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Jeremy: Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
James: But why is it just cars?
Jeremy: What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"

[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner... [the car doesn't turn up] ...Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!

[On Porsche Panamera's satellite navigation]
James: You get the moving map in the dial. [Enthusiastically] Oh, oh!
Richard: You're not going to crash the car doing this?
James: Yes, I am!

[on the Black Shadow, in last place due to not being able to start it and then later accidentally stalling it]
Richard: OK. A few things to get used to. The gear lever is on the other side of the bike. So at the moment, every time I want to brake, I'm changing gear instead and if I want to change gear, I'm braking. It's not ideal. Brakes are the originals, and surprisingly good. The only trouble is, they're full of asbestos.

[On the powerful, front wheel drive, Ford Focus RS]
Jeremy: Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering while handling, let's say, more than 170 brake horsepower is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love. To a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen. It's all going to go wrong.
[On cornering]
Jeremy: Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he is absolutely baffled by urinals. And that on reflection this was a bad week to launch his debut single. It's a tribute, to Farah Fawcett. All we know is he's called The Stig.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, he has twelve GCSEs, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at the man in audience].

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called "Stig flu". All we know is, he's highly contagious!

[Overlaying shots of Jeremy driving the Aston Martin V12 Vantage in the English countryside.]
Jeremy: Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed... cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I'm driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.
Series 14

[Richard Hammond commenting on the VXR8 Bathurst
Richard: I'm sorry, if this car doesn't move you, that is your problem, not the car's. Just the fact!

[Richard Hammond explaining the name of the Vauxhall VXR8 Bathurst]
Richard: This car is Australian, and the Bathurst is Australia's most famous race. Basically, it's a place where Holden and Ford fans go to have a massive fistfight, and then in the interval, when the paramedics go in, sometimes a car race breaks out.

[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah... [sniffs] Yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.
James: [also gently] Yes, it's like my penis: that grew back. Yours might not.

[Richard has parked his car noiselessly and safely, and now it is Jeremy's turn. All is rather quiet until...]
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!