[Having just been told they will have to make their bikes amphibious to get to the actual finishing point.]
Jeremy: How hard can it be?
Richard: DON'T SAY THAT!

[having just watched a Range Rover drive into a pond[
Richard: Ooh! I bet that made him jump.

[having trouble with the Chaika's pushbutton gear select]
James: Oh ----! It's disappeared into the bloody dashboard!

[Introducing Jeremy's road test of the Ford Fiesta]
Richard: Now - every week on Top Gear we get a stack of letters. But this week one in particular caught our eye. It's from a Mister Needham and it says "Why do you not test cars properly any more? Have you forgotten how?".
James: Now this really hurt us, so we decided to take the new Ford Fiesta and do a proper road test. Like they used to on Top Gear in the old days.
Richard: Yeah, to be honest we were quite looking forward to it. But then at the very last minute, Jeremy came in and said he wanted to do it.

[Introducing the main segment]
James: What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
Richard: However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Jeremy: Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American -- the U.S. state department no less -- has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
James: And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised -- this isn't a lie is it?
Jeremy: No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
Richard: This is for real.
James: -- if we promised not to be entertaining.

[Introducing the special from the studio]
Jeremy: Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.
James: No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.
Richard: Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.
Jeremy: So, sit back, enjoy the ride.

[James gets Jeremy's attention and gestures to the motorbikes behind them]
Jeremy: No.
James: Go on.
Richard: Look around us, what do we see everywhere?
Jeremy: You know I can't do that.
James: Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!
Richard: It's our only option.
Jeremy: I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...
Richard: It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.
James: Come on!
Jeremy: No.
James: Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.

[James has run out of fuel in the pouring rain]
James: Cock. This is a massive "Oh, cock". How can it have run out? That rain makes a really annoying noise on my colander-- helmet. And it comes through.
[later]
James: this nice man has stopped on an old Russian motorcycle and I think he's going to give me some petrol. What a nice man. In fact, I think I'll pay him. [he starts to remove of his gloves, then sighs] Me d?ng's going to be all soggy, isn't it?

[James is taking part in a folk race in Finland]
James: Have a Scandinavian flick, Finnish person!

[James' first time introducing The Stig]
James: Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Jeremy: Oh, give it a rest!
Richard: You really weren't fooling anyone.

[Jeremy describing his bike without any of the enthusiasm the other presenters have shown]
Jeremy: I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.
James: Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]
Jeremy: If you let go now it will just fall over.
James: No, it's got a thing called a stand!
Richard: You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...
Jeremy: Nothing.
Richard: Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good--that's not going to help.
Jeremy: Why are tiny wheels wrong?
James: Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.
Jeremy: What holes?
James: The holes in the road.
Richard: So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.
Jeremy: How many cylinders has it got?
James and Richard: One.
Jeremy: One?
James: It's a two stroke.

[Jeremy has proposed putting giant magnets on the front of cars to avert collisions, and a member of the audience has pointed out another benefit]
Jeremy: The man here - doesn't look bright - he's just pointed out that you'd be driving along, every screw and nail [pantomimes road debris adhering to the bumper magnet] doonk, doonk, doonk, on the front, you'd never get a puncture!
Richard: Along with the manhole covers and signposts! And the railings! And traffic lights! And dogs with metal collars on! And skips!
Jeremy: You are just nitpicking.

[Jeremy is broken down by the side of a road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]

[Jeremy is having lunch while his scooter is being repaired]
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.

[Just before the rain starts to fall]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
[And with that, the heavens open. Jeremy and James ride along, soaked by the torrential rain]
Jeremy: Name an upside to this, May! Name ONE upside!
James: Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
Jeremy: My light's dying. It's dying, my light's dying!
Jeremy: [voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Richard: Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
Jeremy: [shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James: It's good for you!
Jeremy: [still shouting] It's not!
James: [Getting annoyed] It is! Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Jeremy: Hit that. Cheer me up--kill yourself.
[James overtakes Jeremy and begins to sing The Beach Boys' "Little Honda"]
James: #I'll take you anywhere you want to go, I'll ride my Honda tonight-#
Jeremy: I hate you!
James: [Ignoring him] #First gear, it's all right. Second gear, I lean right. Third gear, hold on tight#