[during the news]
Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One -- it's coming home, as we like to think about it -- TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job -- who's going to be the modern-day Murray Walker -- is Richard Hammond.
Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Richard: Err... no, actually!
Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!
Richard: No, I was driving home.
Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!
Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
Richard: [playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

[during the news]
Jeremy: That jacket... how big was the bet?
Richard: Pretty big.

[during the news]
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: The slippers?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Are they a bet?
Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. I look at the future of sports cars. James investigates the future of quite literally everything. And Richard Hammond smashes up another caravan.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. How much lorrying can you get for five thousand pounds? And Michael Parkinson has a go in t' reasonably priced car.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.

[During the opening sequence]
Richard: Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?

[During the Power Lap of the Lexus IS-F]
The Stig: [in Morse code] Too many gears.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Mr Sulu.

[During the power lap of the Tesla Roadster]
The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Gary Newman.
The Stig: [in Morse code] That pork tasted funny.

[During the track test of the Zonda Roadster F]
James: The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.

[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]
James: So what have you got?
Jeremy: A lorry!
James: But what kind?
Jeremy: ...A big one!

[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]
Enfield [as Clarkson]: [mimicking Jeremy's habit of pausing] Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons... In the world!
Paul Whitehouse [as Clarkson]: In fact Clarkson Island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visits a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
Farmer: Come on now, Clarksy. [shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] We actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their woolly hair gets clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
Jeremy: My son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you; it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!"