[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The most relaxing way to spend 280,000 pounds on a car; Richard reveals a budget Bond car; and a floppy haired star in our reasonably priced car.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Steve Coogan has a go in our reasonably priced car; buying a used Nissan Skyline; and we give world rally champion Richard Burns a taste of his own medicine.

[on the Bentley]
Jeremy: You probably think there's nothing to be scared of. You probably think you can handle it--like heroin. But look... I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour--just a little cough [lets out a cartoonish cough] and we're doing 70... and then we're going 80... and now we're doing 90... I'm and starting to feel drowsy, 'cause it's so relaxing, as we go past 100, and 110 [trails off]... 130!

[On the Bugatti Veyron.]
Jeremy: A thousand horse power!
Richard: That is an astonishing amount of power.
Jeremy: You'll go from nought to the grave in 4 seconds. Boof! I'm dead. I accelerated... Dead.
Series 2

[on the fastest faith]
Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

[On the MG SV.]
Jeremy: If Oliver Reed and Russell Crowe made mad man-love on the set of Gladiator in an angry brawl, this would be the result.

[On the news of the MV Tricolor sinking with nearly 3000 new cars on board]
Jeremy: But there's plenty to talk about. Most important of all, of course, Jacques Cousteau opened a dealership in the English Channel.

[on the Renault Vel Satis]
Jeremy: It's capable of going fast in the same way that Queen Victoria was capable of running. It just doesn't seem to like it very much.

[Presenting the new BMW Z4]
Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

[Reading the information Audi sent them on the new gearbox for the Audi TT.]
Jeremy: As on conventional manual gearboxes, the transmission ratios are present on input and auxilliary shafts in the form of pairs of toothed wheels. In contrast to manual gearboxes, the input shaft is divided into two sections. It comprises an outer hollow shaft and... Oh, look! Are there any engineers here? Is there anyone here who has that first, tiny grasp of engineering?
Richard: I mean, is it an automatic or a manual even?
Jeremy: [pointing to an audience member] You! You have. Look, I'm going to give you this and by the end of we've finished the news I want to understand that gearbox. Work it out. It's your homework.

[Still on the Audi TT gearbox]
Richard: Is it an automatic or a manual?
Jeremy: It's witchcraft! That's what it is.

[trying to get a phone number stored on the Mercedes-Benz W220's system]
Jeremy: 349
Female Computer Voice: 249
Jeremy: Why don't you listen?
Female Computer Voice: Dialing.
Jeremy: No! Don't dial that! I don't know who that is, it might be the Queen!

[Watching Michael Gambon in the Suzuki Liana.]
Jeremy: You had to look at the gear lever to change there. Which is kind of like reading moving your lips... which I suppose is what you do for a living really.