Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesKandi: But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.
Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi [assertively]: I like boats!
Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi [assertively]: I like boats!
Kandi: I don't even know who you are anymore!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
Alan: Oh, do you wanna know who I am? I'm the idiot who's paying you ten dollars an hour to miss phone calls, nap in the bathroom, and use my X-ray machine on Mexican food!
Kandi: Well, I wanted to know what's inside a chimichanga!
Alan: If you didn't know what was in it, why'd you order it?!
Kandi: 'Cause it's fun to say "chimichanga"!
Kandi: Ouch.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Alan: What?
Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it.
Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist?
Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time. They don't always tell you what they do.
Kandi: You know, I'm a child of divorce too, Jake.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
Alan: Really? How old were you when your parents split up?
Kandi: Twenty-two.
Alan: But you're twenty-two now.
Kandi: Twenty-two and a half! Boy, what I'd give to be twenty-two again.
Kathleen: You have a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.
Linda: Thank you for a lovely dinner.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.
Lydia: So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie [to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie [to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.
Mandi: Hi, Alan. How are you?
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
Alan: About two heartbeats from a brain aneurysm.
Melissa's Mother: I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absoulately no memory of being a forest ranger. Thank you.
Melissa: Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.
Alan: No kidding?
Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Alan: Again, none of my business.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.
Alan: No kidding?
Melissa: Yeppers. We really made a connection, and it is not just physical. Although the physical part is amazing!
Alan: Again, none of my business.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.
Alan: I know the feeling. You'll get over it.
Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.
Berta: I thought it was Alan's birthday.
Berta: I thought it was Alan's birthday.
Mia: Charlie, The reason I came here is... I want your sperm.
Charlie: Alright, where do you want it?
Charlie: Alright, where do you want it?
Mia: My dad called today; he wants to take your family out to dinner.
Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
Charlie: Yeah, well tell him he can have one or the other, but not both!
Mia: Come on Charlie, they're gonna have to meet sooner or later.
Charlie: Ok, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion?
Mia: What's happier than a wedding?
Charlie: Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind! There'll be music, dancing...my mom'll be in a box!
Mia: OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?
Jake: Is that like missionary position?
Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!
Charlie: Honestly, it's like a G-spot with two mortgages.
Mia: Well, just so you know, I'm nogjt with you for your house or your money.
Charlie: So it's the car.
Mia: Why would I care about your car?
Charlie: It's an $80,000 Mercedes.
Mia: Yeah, so what does it do that other cars don't do?
Charlie: It costs $80,000!