Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan: [about Judith] What does she think she's doing? She-- she's straight, she's gay, she's straight again... I mean, place your bets! Where she lands, nobody knows!
Charlie: Alan, it's no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up.

Alan: [On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.
Charlie: The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!

Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Charlie: Which half?

Alan: Hey buddy.
[Jake doesn't say anything but just gives him a big hug.]

Alan: Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses?
Charlie: You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies.
Alan: It's $40,000!
Charlie: Gambling losses, etcetera, etcetera

Alan: Hey, where have you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: You do have that, you know. Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass and move on!
[Jake enters the kitchen]
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's "Can-cun"?
Alan: Cancún?
Jake: No, it's spelled "Can-cun".
Alan: It's in Mexico. Why?
Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's.
Alan: What are you reading?
Jake: Sports Illustrated, but it's mostly ladies in bathing suits.

Alan: How much did you tip him [the pizza delivery man]?
Charlie: I don't know. I gave him a fifty.
Alan: That's... that's like a 300 percent tip!
Charlie: If you say so. I was never good at math.
Alan: Oh, yeah, but you can figure out the point spread, the over-under, and the vigorish on every football game in the country.
Charlie: What can I tell you? I've got a beautiful mind.

Alan: I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

Alan: I'm sorry, there's just been a lot of stuff going on.
Judith: Yeah, I just met your brother's latest "stuff".
Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?
Judith: What, is it yours?
Alan: No, but it's not his either!
Charlie: But it could be.
Alan: Says who?
Charlie: Says your ex-wife!

Alan: Jake, come here, sit down.
Jake: Did I do something wrong?
Charlie: No, just sit down. We wanna talk to you about something.
Jake: [sits down] OK.
Alan: Well Jake, you know how I always told you to tell your parents about what's happening and everything you've been doing.
Jake: Yeah.
Alan: Well you...
Charlie: You don't have to do that anymore. You're a big boy now and you, you don't have to do that now.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Well because, now that you're older, we feel that some things are best kept to yourself.
Jake: Or you just don't want mom to find out about Prudence.
Charlie: That too.
Jake: OK.
Judith: [Enters] Hi Jake, ready to go?
Jake: Sure. [Walks out with Judith]
Judith: So how was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don't have to tell you.

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.
Charlie: Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Alan: Take out the garbage.
Charlie: Today wasn't garbage day.
Alan: No, not here, at Judith's.
Charlie: At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.
Charlie: It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?
Alan: ...The-they're on wheels.

Alan: Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.
Charlie: Pull.