Alan: Uh, l-- look, I-- I appreciate your-- your feelings for me, but I have to tell you, I-- I really think your-- your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean it-- it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
Evelyn: That's true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
Lenore [Judith's mom]: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven't told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.

Alan: Um... remember, we have Jake's "session" first.
Charlie: Oh, man, I thought you didn't want him to go back to that quack.
Alan: I didn't, but Judith and I... talked, and we decided that what I want makes no difference whatsoever.
Charlie: Man, you are so whipped!
Alan: I am not whipped! I just-- I'm just trying to keep everybody happy.
Charlie: Meow-fitchoo!
Alan: I am not "meow-fitchooed".
Charlie: You're right. It's been a long time since you got any "meow".
Jake: Are we getting a cat?

Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: "We"?
Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

Alan: What's this?
Charlie: A picture of Jill. Look at it, will you?
Alan: The woman who dumped you?
Charlie: She didn't dump me, will you get over that?!
Alan: All right, why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it!
Alan: All right, she's cute. Very tall, broad shoulders-- HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Charlie: Welcome to The Matrix.
Alan: So-so-so Jill is-is-is--?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: And-and-and you and-and Jill used to--?
Charlie: Every chance we got
Alan: Now mom is--?
Charlie: At this very moment.
Alan: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!

Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short.

Alan: Why don't you just get snipped?
Charlie: You mean a vasectomy?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: Well, then, say "vasectomy". Don't say "snipped"!
Alan: What's wrong with "snipped"?
Charlie: It's demeaning. "Snipped" is what you get for twelve bucks at Supercuts.
Alan: Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy?
Charlie: I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago, I believe there was a petition circulating.

Alan: You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.
Charlie: Fine! Good!
Alan: All right, where does she live?
Charlie: I don't know.
Alan: All right, what's her last name?
Charlie: I don't know.
Alan: Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!
Charlie: Wait!.... She took a bus!
Alan: I stand corrected.

Alan: Your sexist, manipulative attitude toward women just got into Jake's head, and he spewed it out in front of his mother's angry women's support group!
Charlie: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is it a women's support group that's angry, or a support group just for angry women?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: Well, if they were already angry, then I'm less culpable.

Berta: [Because Charlie is facing money problems] Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week.
Charlie: Thank you Berta.
Berta: I'll just take this espresso maker and be on my way.

Berta: Well I'd better be going. [Sees a jacket that was thrown on the floor] I'll pick that up on Monday.

Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And -- and she made him so scared of intimacy that -- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Charlie: Look Jake, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don't hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I'm just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother.

Charlie: [Filling out Jake's hospital form] Last name: Harper. First Name: Jake...ob?
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: Jacob. Middle name...
Jake: Don't you know?
Charlie: Of course I know. I wanna see if you know,you hit your head dude.
Jake: David.
Charlie: I knew that. Jacob David, wow, they really went old testament on you didn't they. Allergies?
Jake: What? I dunno.
Charlie: Do you eat something that makes you sick?
Jake: I ate a worm once.
Charlie: No allergies. Have you ever had the following? Measles?
Jake: I dunno.
Charlie: Mumps?
Jake: I dunno.
Charlie: Chicken pox?
Jake: Is that the one with the spots?
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: I dunno.
Charlie: Family History? Well your grandmother's always been a pain in the ass.

Charlie: [Who is trying to convince Alan to go on a double date with him even though he is sick] Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray.
Alan: I don't care what her name is!
Charlie: What do you mean? That's like desire but with yay in it!

Charlie: Berta?
Berta: No, it's Liz Hurley, but I'm holding water.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me do my demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.