Alan We're gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a bit, and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.
Charlie: You can do that?
Alan: Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.

Alan: And-And what about you?
Charlie: What about me?
Alan: You're afraid of everything.
Charlie: Like what?
Alan: Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.
Charlie: Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.
Alan: Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.
Charlie: And what sane person is not afraid of spiders.

Alan: Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about. There was no love, no family, and no meaning.
Charlie: There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!

Alan: Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?
Charlie: Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!
Alan: Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.
Charlie: All right. Then something good came of this.

Alan: Did you make the call?
Charlie: Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.
Alan: Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.
Charlie: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".

Alan: Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?
Berta: Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Alan: Hey, Berta? You're a woman.
Berta: Where are we going with this, Zippy?
Alan: I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?
Berta: Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Alan: I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.
Charlie: Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!
Alan: Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.
Charlie: Oh, I hardly think so.
Alan: All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...
Charlie: Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!
Alan: Does that make a difference?
Charlie: It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan: I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.
Charlie: When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Alan: I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.
Charlie: Ah, he's smarter than that.
Alan: Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Alan: Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!
Charlie: Hey, I told you she would go out with you.
Alan: And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Alan: Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.
Jake: Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?
Alan: Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.
Jake: Quit been so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]
Alan: Hey, hey, watch your mouth!
Charlie: Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Alan: Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.
Charlie: You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.
Alan: Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
Charlie: That was different.
Alan: How?
Charlie: It was you.
Alan: Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.

Alan: Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?
Charlie: Why would I want to do that?
Alan: Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?
Charlie: Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?
Alan: You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.

Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.
Charlie: All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]
Alan [to God]: Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.