Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan [to Evelyn]: If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!
Alan: [Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.
Charlie: Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.
Charlie: Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.
Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.
Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!
Alan: Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
Charlie: Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.
Alan: What did you think?
Charlie: It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?
Alan: Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.
Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie.
Alan: Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Herb: Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.
Alan: Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.
Charlie: Coffee and breast milk.
Alan: What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.
Alan: I thought you were going to be busy today.
Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
Charlie: I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"
Alan: I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Charlie: I am.
Alan: It's like talking to a horny chimp.
Alan: I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?
Charlie: I was hoping.
Alan: Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.
Charlie: OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?
Alan: I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
Charlie: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.
Alan: If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.
Charlie: Well, I don't agree.
Alan: It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!
Charlie: Oh, I agree with gravity.
Alan: Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.