Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Jake: My parents are splitting up.
Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

Alan [to Jake]: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Charlie: OK, but you have to be my liver and prostate.

Alan: OK, I put the groceries away, I folded the laundry, I put Jake to bed....
Charlie: The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan.
Alan: Yeah, well it's all I got. I gotta go.
Charlie: Where are you going?
Alan: Take out the garbage.
Charlie: Today wasn't garbage day.
Alan: No, not here, at Judith's.
Charlie: At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore.
Charlie: It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?
Alan: ...The-they're on wheels.

Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: "We"?
Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom?

Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Ah, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce, and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That's right! And -- and she made him so scared of intimacy that -- that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree: Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Judith: [About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.
Jake: Awwwww, Mom...
Alan: No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.
Charlie:Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Alan: I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta's.
Alan: But... it's her coffee! I just-- I just pushed the button.
Charlie: Berta's tasted... I don't know, Christmassy.
Alan: Wh-- what does that mean, "Christmassy"? What--
Charlie: It means "like Christmas".
Alan: No, you... you gotta work with me, Charlie. I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer...
Charlie: I don't know. It's just that when you drank it, it just felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.

[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.

Alan: You know what, Charlie? You're impossible! I give up. I'll go get Berta back.
Charlie: Fine! Good!
Alan: All right, where does she live?
Charlie: I don't know.
Alan: All right, what's her last name?
Charlie: I don't know.
Alan: Your entire life revolves around this woman and you don't know anything about her!
Charlie: Wait!.... She took a bus!
Alan: I stand corrected.

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2.
Charlie: Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose. It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie: Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.
Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!
Jake: Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.
Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Both: Well...
Alan: Jake has this thing...
Charlie: Got work.
Alan: Judith will have Jake.
Charlie: Don't really want to.