Alan: [About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...
Jake: I do like banana cream pie.
Alan: Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...
Jake: [Interrupting] I just told you I like it.

Alan: [driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.

Alan: [Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.
Charlie: Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.

Alan: [On Jake's therapy session] It's a small price to pay to avoid aggravating Judith.
Charlie: The fact that your drawing breath aggravates Judith!

Alan: [Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.
Charlie: [Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Alan: Yes!!.... You're going to live
Charlie: Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
Alan: So what you're saying is...
Charlie: It's a house of cards, Alan.
Alan: Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Dr. Pranjeep: Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]

Alan: [Reading a self-help book] Okay, name three things you would change about me.
Charlie: Your personality, your wardrobe and your address.
...
Charlie: The way you chew your food, the hair in your ears and your address.
Alan: That stopped being funny a week ago.
Charlie: Judges?
Berta: Still funny.

Alan: [reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.

Alan: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?

Alan: All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go out on a blind double date with you!
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, The Incredible Hulk?!

Alan: And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.

Alan: And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.
Charlie: Who's gonna believe you're the husband?
Alan: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.
Charlie: You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

Alan: And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]

Alan: And-And what about you?
Charlie: What about me?
Alan: You're afraid of everything.
Charlie: Like what?
Alan: Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.
Charlie: Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.
Alan: Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.
Charlie: And what sane person is not afraid of spiders.

Alan: Are you still reading that thing?
Charlie: How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Alan: At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.
Charlie: Wow. Two women?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.