Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan [on the phone]: I-- I don't think so, Mom. First of all, I-- I'm just not a big fan of costume parties. Yeah, Jake likes The Wizard of Oz, but I-- I just don't think he'd enjoy hanging out with a bunch of drunken real estate agents dressed like Judy Garland. [pause] Oh, OK, I'll get him. [to Charlie]: Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]
Charlie [on the phone]: Hi, Mom, no! [hangs up]
Alan [referring to his new girlfriend Sandy]: Huh? Huh? Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry?
Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?
Charlie: Marriage, boredom, alimony, death?
Alan [to God after finding out that Kandi has set her father up on a date with Judith]: I watch one donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the rest of my life!
Alan [while playing Scrabble with Francine]: Oh, boy. I have more vowels than a Honolulu phone book.
Alan: And you, wh-- why do you enable this behavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well, I don't want to live in that America. [starts singing "America the Beautiful"]
Alan: Charlie, be serious. I remember how nervous I was about my first boy-girl party.
Charlie: Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"
Charlie: Oh yeah, that was in college, wasn't it?"
Alan: Did you know they [the pizzeria he is delivering for] actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust?
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun. Can't kill yourself with it, though. I tried.
Alan: Do you have any idea what Isabella is really into?
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Charlie: So she's a little kinky!
Alan: No, no, no. "Kinky" is a feather duster up your butt. I think this woman tried to put a curse on me.
Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that? To know you is to curse you.
Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.
Charlie: Yeah, yank out the eight-track and push it off a cliff.
Alan: Hey, I may not have the biggest boat in the marina, but nobody rows harder than me.
Alan: I just found my old wedding folder, and guess what was in it.
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?
Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?
Charlie: The claim check for your manhood?
Alan: As I was saying, it's all here, everything you could possibly need for your big day, from paper samples for your announcements, to selected verses of romantic poetry well suited for wedding vows.
Charlie: And you wonder why people think you're gay?
Alan: I just have to accept the fact that I-- I can't count on anyone, least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only cares about what lies between the two.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
Charlie: OK, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like grinding.
Alan: I'm all tapped out. All-- all I have left to put on eBay is a, a-- a kidney or a lung.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
Kandi: If I were you, I'd sell the kidney 'cause lungs don't grow back.
Alan: Incredible! I've been living here for two years, and you still consider me a houseguest.
Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
Charlie: No, my houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan: Oh, I'm sorry, I'll go get some Chardonnay and assume the position.
Charlie: Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.
Alan: Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free.
Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.
Isabella: I'm sorry. [she puts her cigarette out in Jake's cereal] Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: Yeah, well, Charlie's lungs aren't always on the same page as his penis.