Alan: Just 'cause you're reading a dance magazine doesn't make you a dancer.
Berta: Why not? You're a monster boob.
Alan: Will you both stay out of my room?!

Alan: Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, and I believe that childhood should be a time of innocence.
Charlie: I agree, childhood should be a time of innocence. And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, and lap dances should be complementary after the fifth cocktail, but that's not the world we live in. This party tonight is the initial round in a lifelong process of sexual elimination.
Alan: Oh, really?
Charlie: Think of it as musical chairs, but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. The guys who have no clue? They'll spend their teenage years-- well, I certainly don't need to tell Dungeon Master Alan.

Alan: Oh, this looks interesting: "Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood." Wh-- what does that mean, uh, "up-and-coming neighborhood"?
Evelyn: It means the realtor couldn't move the house saying "drug-ravaged battlefield".

Alan: See, the thing for me was that I-- I never should have gotten married. I-- I was young, I didn't know who I was, and to be completely honest, I was just afraid of being alone.
Kandi: Wow. Can I share something with you?
Alan: Uh, yes, please, this is... uh, communicating. This is how we connect.
Kandi: You shouldn't tell people that stuff. It makes you sound like a loser.
Alan: No, it makes me sound like a real human being, a-- a person with feelings and flaws.
Kandi: [makes the "loser" hand gesture]

Alan: So as I was leaving my ex-wife's house, I ran into your ex-husband.
Mandi: Andy?
Alan: I guess.
Charlie: Wait a second. It's Mandi, Andy, and Kandi?
Mandi: What's your point?
Charlie: No point. Mandi, Andy, Kandi. Dandy.

Alan: So, so why did Mia come to you [for sperm]?
Charlie: Well, you know, her biological clock is ticking. Most of the guys she meets are ballet dancers, so, you know, slim pickings there. And she doesn't want to wait for Mr. Right to come along.
Alan: Which pretty much leaves you.
Charlie: Yep, I'm good genetic material, you know? Easy on the eyes, and she wants to raise the kid alone which fits nicely into my lifestyle.
Alan: Charlie, drinking, gambling and casual sex is not a lifestyle.

Alan: So, uh, how long till the movie starts?
Charlie: Uh, about twenty minutes.
Alan: Yeah, sure, twenty minutes, not counting previews and ads, the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, the-- the, the big soda drinking the little soda which, frankly is cannibalism, and the always-welcome reminder to turn off your cell phones and shut up but nobody ever does because, let's face it, good manners are just the latest casualty in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization.

Alan: Uh, uh, "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred in An Officer and a 'blank'." Oh, please!
Charlie: You need a hint? There's a hint upside down in the corner.
Alan: No, I don't need a hint! Eh, eh, I know the answer! Everybody here knows the ans-- everybody on the planet knows the answer! We're not stupid!
Charlie: Ch-- chill, chill.
Alan: Oh, oh, wait, oh, here's another brain teaser: Uh, uh, "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling of the H. G. Wells classic, War of the 'blank'." Uh, uh, "Couch!" War of the Couch!
Charlie [whispering]: Stop it!
Alan [yelling]: Oh, wait, no, no, I-- I got it! War of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie: You know what? You know, maybe you're right. Maybe we should go. [they start leaving]
Alan: No, wait, no, I know this one: Uh, "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film inspired by a Disneyland attraction." Pirates of the BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!
Charlie [to another theater patron]: He's-- he's behind on his reading.
Alan: Oh, oh, and-- and, let's not forget-- uh, uh, Judy Garland in that immortal classic, The Wizard of BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS!

Alan: Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman.
Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan.
Alan: OK, uh... he's in... Africa working as a scrub nurse for Doctors Without Borders.
Kandi: Story of my life!

Alan: Uh, well... uh, uh, you see Jake, um... In the Old West, uh, uh... cowboys, uh, could be out on the-- the dusty range... uh, uh, for months... at a time, and, uh, they get mighty dirty. Um, so they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, uh, with nothing but the-- the clothes on their backs, uh, and th-- they'd need to, to, to wash them. So what-- what they'd do is, uh, they-- they would go down to the-- the, the... "crick", uh, and, uh, strip down until they were wearing, uh, nothing but their boots.
Charlie: Why'd they keep their boots on?
Alan: Rattlesnakes. [to Jake]: Uh, anyway, um, in order to... to, to warn, uh, people who were swimming that, you know, a-- a naked... cowboy was, uh, on his way, he would yell, or, uh, or, if you will, uh, call, uh, "Booty! Booty!" Ergo, the "booty call".
Kandi: Wow. Alan, you really make history fun.
Alan: Well, thank you.
Kandi: So when did it start meaning casual sex?

Alan: Wait a minute, that's your big secret? Alcohol?
Charlie: Shhh. Don't tell anybody.
Alan: But isn't that just a temporary solution.
Charlie: It's only temporary if you stop drinking.
Alan: I like it.

Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Masticating.
Alan: What?
Jake: Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think.
Alan: What do you think I think?
Jake [smiling]: You know...

Alan: What can I say? Marriage is a great ride... 'til you puke.

Alan: What if he [Jake] comes back? Maybe I should go.
Judith: Or we could, uh, go upstairs and get in bed.
Alan: Bed? Our old bed?
Judith: My new bed.
Alan: What was wrong with the old one?
Judith: Too many memories.
Alan: Of what? You pretending to sleep and me watching Letterman?

Alan: Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere "attaboy". Is that too much to ask?
[in the bathroom, Alan is vomiting in the toilet]
Charlie: Attaboy!