Alan: Yeah, So does Disneyland.

Alan: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, termites, me!
Berta: Well, that's just not right.
Alan: Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I-I-I can't really afford my own place. I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach, unless the beach was Guadalcanal.
Berta: It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Alan: You know, I-- I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap next to Burbank Airport!

Alan: You're kidding, Rose has a boyfriend?
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: A real one or like Toby the astronaut?

Awards ceremony emcee: And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year award, we have a special treat.
Charlie: Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns.

Berta: [seeing Alan's swollen eye] Great googooly moogoolies! What the hell happened to you?
Alan: I'm not sure..
Berta: Looks like you got bitten in the face by one of them Ebola monkeys.
Alan: I don't think so, Berta.
Berta: I mean, you were not exactly eye candy going in but... now. Woof! You could scare the flies off a manure truck!

Berta: Do you mind if I take your room?
Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--
Berta: Trust me, you want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Berta: Just out of curiosity, when you leave here, where is it you go?
Kandi: To the gym. I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument.
Berta: Mine too. Three beers and a bratwurst and my ass turns into a French horn.
Kandi: Really? Whenever I have beer and bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

Berta: OK, I haven't sampled anything from the other side of the buffet since I traveled with the Grateful Dead, but, Golly Moses, she's a muffin.

Berta: This is a sad, sad day. I always figured you'd be the last guy in the world to end up whipped.
Charlie: I am not whipped. I'm... considerate.
Berta: Considerate.
Charlie: Yeah. See, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy. And I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble and stay out all night and... eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and... nap and swear and wear shorts and bowling shirts...
Berta: Oh, Charlie, you ain't just whipped. You're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Berta: Well, looks who's here, the Bride of Drunkenstein.
Mia: Look. [Mia shows her engagement ring to Berta]
Berta: Wow, that's quite a rock. You know what we call babes with rings like that in my neighborhood? Stumpy.
[Mia looks at Charlie]

Charlie [after Jake's off-key rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody"]: Kid's a double threat. Tone-deaf and arrogant.

Charlie [to Jake]: I get that you're growing up, that your body's changing, that your emotions are in flux, but the important thing you need to keep in mind is that... I don't care. When you're in my house, when you're out with me, and especially when we're around women, you will be adorable.

Charlie [to Mandi]: When Alan was eight, I convinced him he only had two weeks to live. But I suppose that tells you more about me than him.
Alan: Yeah, good times. But back to recent events--
Charlie: Ooh, ooh! Remember when I told you the cat litter box was filled with almond roca? He ate four of them. [Mandi laughs]
Alan: Are we done visiting Charlie Harper's Museum of Sibling Cruelty?

Charlie: Alan, there comes a time in every man's life when he has to make a choice; does he want to be loved, or does he want to get laid. Fourteen years ago you made the wrong choice. You got married, and you wound up with neither. But now, now fate has given you another chance. Welcome it. Embrace it. Grab its pert little ass.
Alan: What am I supposed to do, walk into my son's birthday and say, "Hey everybody, look at this gorgeous twenty-two year old woman I'm having sex with."
Charlie: Oh, don't be silly. You don't want to rub their faces in it! You just want them to know where yours has been. Oh, yeah, one more thing.
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: "Booty! Booty!"