Alan [on the phone with Kandi]: Oh, well, then, maybe you can explain to me why I'm the one who feeds Chester, gives Chester tick baths, and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug!
Charlie [to Jake]: When'd you change your name to Chester?

Alan [to Jake]: All right, buddy, I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy, but... I think it's something that you're old enough to understand. You can do better than me.
Charlie: Way better.

Alan [to Judith on the phone]: I'll tell him [Charlie] to keep his hands off Myra. And then, I'll tell the rain not to fall, the earth not to spin, and you to STOP NAGGING ME! [hangs up] Oh, boy, I'm gonna pay for that.
Berta: You know what your problem is? Phone cojones.
Alan: Excuse me?
Berta: When you're on the phone with her, you got boulders between your legs. The minute you hang up, you're as smooth as a Ken doll.

Alan: [About Jake growing up] Pretty soon there'll be no more playing catch or riding bikes. Do you realize I've never even taken him fishing, or camping, or hunting?
Charlie: Do you know how to fish, or camp, or, hunt?
Alan: No, I thought we would learn together.
Charlie: Oh that sounds good. You and knucklehead out in the woods, taking turns shooting each other in the ass.

Alan: [About what people like in sex] Say you like banana cream pie...
Jake: I do like banana cream pie.
Alan: Well, good. But say you like it but, you never told me you did so I always brought home another kind...
Jake: [Interrupting] I just told you I like it.

Alan: [driving Charlie home from the hospital after the punch up with Tyler] You know, the dude may look like a lady, but you fight like a little girl.

Alan: [Outside Charlie's hospital room] You doctors better help him fast! That's my brother in there! If he dies I'm homeless! [Enters Charlie's room] They're coming soon.
Charlie: [Who thinks he is going to die] Alan I need you to know something about my will. I left the house to you and Jake.
Alan: Yes!!.... You're going to live
Charlie: Yeah, just in case I don't, it has two mortgages and the land costs $50,000 a year.
Alan: So what you're saying is...
Charlie: It's a house of cards, Alan.
Alan: Uh huh. [Steps outside] Do you need to go to Canada to get some decent medical care! Alright you doctors, I didn't wanna have to play this card but I am Matthew Broderick!
Dr. Pranjeep: Oh Matthew Broderick, I loved you in Family Business! [Enters Charlie's room]]

Alan: [reads newspaper headline]: "Mudslide kills 600 religious pilgrims." And yet both my ex-wives live on.

Alan: Charlie, it's OK. You've been working out your maternal issues by having sex with other women your entire life. All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man.
Charlie: Oh, that is just sick!
Alan: My point exactly.

Alan: Charlie, that lovely lady in there brought her toothbrush 'cause I have a penis and a job!
Charlie: Rose! [to Alan]: How is she gonna brush your job?
Alan: No, no, you don't understand--
Charlie: I don't have time for this, Alan! [he walks back inside and heads toward the front door]
Beverly: Charlie, are you OK?
Charlie: Yeah, I just can't find my damn stalker. [leaves]
Beverly: He can't find his stalker?
Alan: They're usually in the last place you look.

Alan: Come on guys, please give me a hand on this.
Berta & Charlie: Can't help ya.
Alan: Look, Jake, it, it, it-- it's not that you have to be particularly smart to have sex.
Berta and Charlie: Yeah, look at your dad!

Alan: He's [Jake] growing up, getting a life of his own. He'll be going off to college soon. I'll only see him on holidays, only hear from him when he needs money -- not that I'll have any, I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives! And college tuition? That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. And for what? So that he can get a worthless piece of paper that he can then fold into a hat to wear to the fast food job that he will probably get fired from for stealing fries from the customers' bags! [he leaves the kitchen]
Jake: I do like fries.

Alan: Hey, at least I didn't talk him [Jake] into putting crotchless panties on a Butterball turkey!
Charlie: Oh, right. Best Thanksgiving ever.
Alan: You told me it's how the Pilgrims got through the harsh winter.

Alan: How about this: When was the last time you called her [Evelyn] just to see how she was doing?
Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.
Alan: Why don't you start with that?
Charlie: OK, fine. [takes his phone out of his pocket]
Alan: Remember her number?
Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?

Alan: I stole him [Chester].
Charlie: Oh, Alan... I may think with my penis, but at least I think!