Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan: I'm just saying, maybe they have something that we don't and that's why she wants them.
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Charlie: Who wants two gay guys and a Chinese kid?
Alan: I-- I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. I-- I haven't slept in two days.
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?
Jake: Why don't you take a pill?
Charlie: He doesn't believe in pills.
Jake: How can you not believe in them? They're on TV all the time!
Alan: Let me tell you something, Jake: Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think you can take a pill for everything. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Can't wake up? Take a pill. Feeling sad? Take a pill. Can't get it up? Take a pill.
Jake: Can't get what up?
Alan: In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony.
Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...
Conversation between Jake and Charlie in the living room, while watching TV...
Alan: Jake can have a little brother-- that would be a blessing for him, would it?
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
Herb: Oh, I don't know if I want more kids.
Alan: Then wear a condom. Besides, Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.
Alan: Knock 'em dead at the audition.
Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.
Kandi: Thanks. And thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it.
Alan: Looks like you had a tough night.
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
Charlie: No, the night was great. It's the morning that's killing me!
Alan: Oh, let's face it: we're both too old for the MTV lifestyle.
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?
Charlie: MTV? Did they just defrost you?
Alan: Oh, would you please just get your drunken ass out of bed and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?!
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".
Charlie: Well, since you said "please".
Alan: OK, listen, we-- we haven't really, uh, talked about what all this means.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.
Jake: What what means?
Alan: All the big changes that are happening.
Jake: It's just a couple of hairs, Dad. It's not that big a deal.
Alan: Since when do you have a wet suit?
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
Charlie: Since I moved to the beach and noticed that it was full of hot surfer chicks. [blows dust off his surfboard] If I lived next to Jellystone Park, I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket.
Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?
Alan: Thanks for taking Jake back to Judith's.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
Charlie: No problem. Sorry I had to send Mom in there.
Alan: No, no, you, uh... you did the right thing. I needed a good slap in the face. Although with Mom it's more like a nailgun to the testicles.
Alan: There you go. One hot chocolate for the lactating mommy.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
Naomi: Thank you.
Alan: I see little Brittany Pam is having the grande boobaccino.
Naomi: Yeah, and she's biting the straw.
Alan: What a day. Just sitting and sitting and sitting.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.
Charlie: Huh.
Alan: It was like jury duty, without the fun of sending someone to jail.
Alan: What do you want from me? I-- I went out to the club, I went to the after-hours club, I went out to breakfast! I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot!
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?
Charlie: Well, if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now.
Alan: Oh, darn. What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?