Alan: When Judith was pregnant with Jake, I-- I don't know if it was hormones or pheromones, but... she just couldn't get enough of me. And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman I just... [lustful moan]
Charlie: OK, seriously, you got to stop that.
Alan: I am telling you, it was nine months of the hottest sex we've ever had, even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids.
Charlie: Oh. Maybe that explains Jake's grades.
Alan: The morning sickness and hemorrhoids?
Charlie: No, the repeated blows to his unformed head.
Alan: You are-- are such an idiot. All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy is not harmful to the baby.
Charlie: Experts, schmexperts. Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. See how you like it.

Alan: Why did you run away?
Jake: Because I hate it there.
Alan: Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake: It's nothing to do with puberty, Dad! It's about Mom getting married.
Alan: I-- I thought you liked Dr. Melnick.
Jake: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
Alan: You don't do what I tell you to do!
Jake: Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that.

Alan: You don't understand. The money isn't for me.
Charlie: Really? Who's it for?
Alan: Old Alan.
Charlie: Old Alan?
Alan: Yeah, you know, the Alan of the future.
Charlie: You're kidding, they're still gonna have Alans in the future?
Alan: No, see, [sighs] the thing is, [sighs] I've been going through kind of a rough financial time since... well, high school. Anyway, it-- it occurred to me that I could wind up an old man with no one to take care of me. I mean, who will Old Alan be able to count on? Certainly not Jake, 'cause let's face it, his best hope of a steady income is if missing the toilet becomes a professional sport.

Alan: You know, Charlie, there's a special section in Hell reserved for people like you.
Charlie: That's good, because I'd hate to have to stand on line.

Alan: You think I joined a support group to pick up women?
Charlie: No, I think you joined a support 'cause you're a whiny little wuss. But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Alan: You'll going to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Charlie: Of course! As the eldest son it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan: Typical. Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie: OK, you can cut off her head and hold it up for the villagers.

Alan: You're going to hell, you know?
Charlie: I don't think so. I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs as long as they lead to recreational sex.
Alan: You really wanna drag God into this?
Charlie: Who gave me the penis, Alan?

Alan: Your mom will be here any minute! I-- I thought I told you to get ready!
Jake: I'm ready.
Alan: Did you do your homework?
Jake: No.
Alan [scoffs]: Jake, I promised your mother you'd have it done!
Jake: Well, next time you'll know better!

Berta [removing groceries from the bag]: Salted butter... salted butter. Extra-large eggs... extra large eggs. Acidophilus milk... two-percent milk, you whiny pinhead.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: Hey, how you feeling?
Charlie: Not too bad, really.
Berta: That was some fall you took.
Charlie: Yeah, if I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquor industry would promote that.
Charlie: It is a selling point. Right up there with making ugly people doable.

Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi. The light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from Heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing?
Charlie: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goood will towards all mankind. So let's get her plowed!!
Berta: Hallelujah!

Berta: I'm proud of you, Zippy. The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Berta: Name three contributions the Roman Empire made to civilization.
Charlie: Orgies, wine, and bulimia. Go ahead, ask me about the Greeks.

Berta: Sometimes when people drink, they do things they wouldn't normally do. Me, I like to walk into a biker bar and take a swing at the biggest chick there.

Berta: Well I should go if I don't wanna miss my bus.
Alan: Goodnight Berta.
Jake: Hey Dad, you know what more keeps on her night stand?
Berta: You know what, I'll take a cab.
Alan: What?
Jake: A bottle of whipped cream.
Alan: So?
Jake: So, either whipped cream has something to do with sex or mom hides pie in her dresser too.