Charlie [runs out on the deck]: Rose? Climb up here! I want to talk to you!
Beverly: Are you sure you're the loser brother?
Alan: That's always been the consensus.

Charlie [to Gloria]: You... have absolutely no boundaries, do you?
Gloria: Well... I don't like fat guys.
Charlie: Interesting. Turns out... I draw the line at incest.
Gloria: So you'd do a fat guy?
[Rose and Berta are listening outside Charlie's room]
Rose: Did you hear that? Charlie found his boundary!
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle.

Charlie: (still drunk) [after Alan opens the door] Oh, hey Alan, come on in!
Alan: Why don't you come in here?
Charlie: Yeah, I Lost my key. (pause; then Charlie holds up keys) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Charlie: [About Alan's date with Danielle] Okay, on this date don't talk about your stupid hobbies or your depressing problems.
Alan: So what do we talk about?
Charlie: Her stupid hobbies! Her depressing problems! Okay. I'm gonna make up some reason I have can't go and then you can go on a date.
Alan: Charlie, I'm not sure...
Danielle: [Enters] Okay I'm ready to go.
Charlie: Oh darn...
Alan: What do you mean you have to go!... I mean what's wrong?
Charlie: I just remembered I have a lot of work to do at home.
Danielle: Should we reschedule?
Charlie: No, no, no. You guys should go ahead. I'm sure you'll have fun.
Alan: Alright. [Goes off] So Danielle, you have any hobbies or, problems?

Charlie: [about doing laundry] OK, OK, I can do this. I just turn it on and stick 'em in.
Alan: It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. Let's start by separating her delicates.
Charlie: How is that not like a cocktail waitress?
Alan: [trying to ignore Charlie] The reason you need to do these separately is they're mostly synthetic.
Charlie: Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband and we're back to cocktail waitress!

Charlie: [about Jake] Puberty is going to hit him like a shovel!

Charlie: [drunk] Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there? (drops onion) Run, Run, You're Free!

Charlie: [referring to Alan's new piercing] You do know that's the gay ear?
Alan: What?
Charlie: Left ear says "I'm a hipster from the disco era." Right ear says "Let's disco!!"

Charlie: [To Jake because he and Alan are going out] Don't burn the house down and if you do, don't be here when I get back.

Charlie: Again, I'm sorry. Mea culpa. Now if you'll excuse me, mea going upstairs for a culpa hours.

Charlie: Alan, you know the difference between you and me?
[Charlie falls through the deck]
Alan: Yeah! I wouldn't fire the handyman before he finishes!

Charlie: All right, I didn't want to have to do this, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
[goes to the phone]
Berta: What are you gonna do?
Charlie: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
Rose: You don't mean...
Charlie: I'm afraid so. [on the phone]: Hello? Mom?
[Cut to Alan lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up]
Alan: God, what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan? It's Mommy!
Alan: Good one.

Charlie: All right, look, it doesn't help to whine about it. If you wanna get lost in the woods with Jerky Gerkenheimer, go do it.
Alan: My life is just one big joke to you, isn't it?
Charlie: Actually, it's more of a limerick. There once was a moron named Al, who wanted to camp with his pal... Any chance you can go camping in Nantucket?

Charlie: All right, she [Lydia] might be a bit outspoken, but I happen to find that very attractive.
Jake: She must be dynamite in the sack.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff from?
Jake: Cinemax.
Charlie: Well, not that my sex life is any of your business--
Alan: It's not his business. It-- it's nobody's business. So, uh, what does she do for a living?
Jake: Besides being a stone-cold bee-yotch. [Charlie and Alan stare at him] HBO.

Charlie: And, uh, uh, this is my housekeeper, Berta. Berta, Lydia.
Berta: Choose your words carefully, slim.
Lydia: "Slim?" Why, thank you. I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?