Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: Berta, how long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define "working".
Berta: Define "working".
Charlie: Can we pull over for a minute?
Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
Charlie: That's not a road.
Berta: Well, not during rainy season.
Berta: In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. Take a left right up here.
Charlie: That's not a road.
Berta: Well, not during rainy season.
Charlie: Hey, after the kid goes back to his mother's, you want to go out to grab some dinner?
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
Alan: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie: "Why not? You got a date?" he said, knowing the answer but asking anyway, just to be polite.
Alan: "No, I don't have a date," he replied, all the while thinking, "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon."
Charlie: Hey, what's your hurry? If she [Kandi] becomes a big TV star while you're still married, she'll have to pay you alimony!
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
Alan: Yeah. And if pigs start flying out of my rear end, we'll have free bacon for the rest of our lives!
Jake: I don't know that I'd eat that bacon.
Charlie: Hey... Great...to see you...again.
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
Naomi: Yeah, I don't think we've met.
Charlie: Really?
Naomi: Really.
Charlie: (Shoves Alan) Are you trying to give me a stroke?!?
Charlie: I can't believe I missed out on a sure thing 'cause I was sitting on the can listening to you not take a crap!
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
Alan: You're actually blaming me 'cause I had to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: You didn't have to go to the bathroom! You were just trying to stick me with the check!
Alan: Oh, oh, I see, so you know my bowels better than I do!
Charlie: I will when I pull them out through your nostrils.
Charlie: I'm not jealous!
Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.
Jake: And he can sing.
Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!
Jake: Yeah, but you stink.
Alan: Charlie, you want to fire this guy [Fernando] just because he's younger and better looking than you.
Jake: And he can sing.
Charlie: This has nothing to do with that, and I can sing too!
Jake: Yeah, but you stink.
Charlie: It's just money, Alan.
Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!
Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.
Alan: Well, I don't want him to think like that!
Charlie: Oh, much better he think like you? Squirreling away every dime he makes so he'll have it handy for alimony payments and phone sex?
Alan: For the last time, I misdialed!
Charlie: Yeah, every Wednesday night for twenty minutes.
Charlie: Leanne, tell me something. Is it just me, or is the crowd in here getting younger?
Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
Leanne: No, the crowd's the same age it's always been. You, on the other hand, are not.
Charlie: I'm not old. Forty's the new thirty, right?
Leanne [chuckling]: Not the way you live, pal.
Charlie: Let me tell you something about feelings. Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know where they are, but they are best left unfelt.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.
Rose: It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out that a mother's breasts are a source for nourishment and comfort?
Charlie: Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source of silicone and Russian vodka.
Charlie: Look, Alan, I have no interest in hanging out with Mom's boyfriend du jour.
Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.
Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!
Alan: Why not? He seems like a great guy.
Charlie: He might be the greatest guy in the world, but he'll end up like every other husband or boyfriend she's ever had. Either she'll dump him, he'll dump her, or he'll die under suspicious circumstances. No matter what, you're left standing on the curb with your fishing pole on the first day of summer vacation, waiting for a Chrysler LeBaron that never comes!
Charlie: No dogs in my house, especially not stolen ones that are large enough to make me their bitch.
Charlie: Oh God, it's all coming back.[Remembering the men he has seen his mother have sex with as a child] Uncle Joe, Uncle Steve, Uncle Jorje. Oh God...[looks terrified] Uncle Jorge. And I wasn't related to any one of them.
Rose: Wow.
Charlie: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!
Rose: Wow.
Charlie: Yeah. Tell me about it. Not only was Aunt Wendy not my aunt, there was no snakebite on her boob!
Charlie: OK, well, good luck with the tour!
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.
Steven Tyler: Thanks a lot, man.
Charlie: Who's the sponsor, Metamucil?
Steven Tyler: What was that?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing.
Charlie: Okay, she [Lydia] has some faults, but you have to admit she does have her benefits.
Berta: Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.
Berta: Yeah? Well I aint hitting any of them benefits so I don't care.