Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: She just moved next door. She's gorgeous, divorced, and loaded!
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.
Alan: Mm-hmm... What's wrong with her?
Charlie: Why does something have to be wrong with her?
Alan: Because there's only two reasons you ever set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed or cross-eyed or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... OK, I guess there's just one reason.
Charlie: There is nothing wrong with Danielle. Berta, is she or is she not gorgeous?
Berta: Hey, I'd do her.
Charlie: This relationship isn't based on sex!
Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?
Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats Bourbon and farts $100 bills, what exactly is going to keep you together?
Charlie: Until he [Jake] was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!
Alan: Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
Herb: Hmmm. No, we haven't--
Alan: No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Charlie: Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
Alan: Hey, hey, uh, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, ha-- have you considered eloping to Vegas?
Herb: Hmmm. No, we haven't--
Alan: No, I know what you're thinking, "tacky-tacky," but... uh, it's classy and very romantic.
Charlie: Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.
Charlie: We had fun last night, though, right?
Lydia [sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.
Lydia [sarcastically]: Oh, terrific. What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating?
Charlie: Well, that explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln.
Charlie: What the hell is this?
Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.
Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you!
Alan: This is Chester. Isn't he cute? [to Chester]: Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
Charlie: He's not staying here, Alan.
Alan: Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me.
Charlie: It's because no kennel in town would take you!
Charlie: What's the big deal? It's just an alimony check.
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
Alan: Not an alimony check. This is my final alimony check. Isn't it beautiful?
Charlie: Oh, right! Judith is getting married this weekend!
Alan: Exactly. And you know what that means?
Charlie: You can finally kick in a few bucks around here?
Alan: Good one. No. It means Alan gets new underwear.
Charlie: Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie?
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...
Berta: Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell...
Charlie: Why would I hit on Taylor's mom?
Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Charlie: Where'd you get that?
Jake: My mom.
Charlie: Oh. Well...
Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
Charlie: OK, OK!
Jake: ...the UPS man...
Charlie: All right!
Jake: Well, she's kind of pretty, and you'll hit on anything with a pulse.
Charlie: Where'd you get that?
Jake: My mom.
Charlie: Oh. Well...
Jake: And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma...
Charlie: OK, OK!
Jake: ...the UPS man...
Charlie: All right!
Charlie: Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything I don't want to face, and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, and that includes Mom's vodka knockers!
Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Alan: Eat your dinner.
Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
Jake: Who is this "Vod Kanockers" that you speak of?
Alan: Eat your dinner.
Jake: The name's Kanockers. Vod Kanockers.
Charlie: You know what? We need to work on our communication skills.
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
Alan: You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think you'd be open--
Charlie: [interrupting] No, no, no, you jackass! God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin!
Charlie: You let some broad talk you into piercing your ear?
Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
Jake: What else can you pierce?
Alan and Charlie: Nothing.
Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
Alan: He can't spell "Google".
Alan: Actually, my ear wasn't her first choice to pierce.
Jake: What else can you pierce?
Alan and Charlie: Nothing.
Jake: Fine. Don't tell me. I'll Google it. [leaves]
Charlie: Don't worry. He can't spell "pierce".
Alan: He can't spell "Google".
Charlie: [singing] Four call girls. Three French maids. Two drunk twins. And a lap dance in a pear tree!
Charlie: [singing] Glooohohohohohoooohohohohohooooohohohohoooooria! Tonight I'm boinking Gloria!
Danielle [drunkenly]: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There is no need to fight over me! Alan, you're a sweet, gentle guy. Charlie, you're a pig, but I find you very attractive. There's only one reasonable solution: I'll have to do you both.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.
Charlie [to Alan]: No crossing swords.
Alan: Are you out of your mind? You're actually considering this?
Charlie: Yeah, you're right. I don't even like eating dinner next to you.