Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesDanielle: You men are all alike. Isn't there anyone left who just wants to get married and raise a family?
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.
Charlie: Yeah, but they're all gay.
Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde.
Alan: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde.
Dr Pranjeep: [About Charlie's test results] It's fine, you are perfectly healthy 50 year old man.
Charlie: I'm only 40.
Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.
Charlie: I'm only 40.
Dr Pranjeep: Tell that to your liver.
Dr. Freeman: You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.
Alan: You're gonna charge me for that?!
Dr. Freeman: I was awake.
Dr. Prajneep: What have you had to eat recently?
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
Charlie: He asked me what I ate.
Alan: And I told him.
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
Charlie: He asked me what I ate.
Alan: And I told him.
Evelyn [to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Evelyn: Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
Evelyn: As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.
Season 5
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.
Season 5
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?
Evelyn: Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.
Evelyn: So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?
Charlie: Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Lydia: Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
Evelyn: The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Lydia: Did his father drink?
Charlie: What choice did he have?!
Charlie: Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Lydia: Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
Evelyn: The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Lydia: Did his father drink?
Charlie: What choice did he have?!
Evelyn: Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.
Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?
Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
Alan and Charlie: Mom!
Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Alan: Yeah, but what about us?
Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?
Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
Alan and Charlie: Mom!
Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Alan: Yeah, but what about us?
Evelyn: What do you do? I mean, besides my son.
Lydia: I'm in real estate.
Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.
Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.
Lydia: I'm in real estate.
Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.
Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.
Greg: Alan, you're not gay.
Alan: Are you sure?
Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?
Alan: No.
Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?
Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.
Alan: Are you sure?
Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?
Alan: No.
Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?
Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.