Herb: I'm a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you're into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?

Jake: (Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!

Jake: [To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Jake: Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?
Alan: Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
Jake: You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Alan: Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!

Jake: Hey!
Charlie: Oh, [...] finally up the phone.
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?
Jake(depressed): I'm not.
Charlie(mocking): What happened? Checkin'out?
Jake(depressed): No.
Charlie(reproachful): I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?
Jake(loud): She has dumped me old turd!
Charlie(suprised): Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?
Jake(disappointed): I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Charlie: Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
Jake: She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
Charlie(perplexed): What, chinese and [...]?
Jake: [...] and [...].
Charlie: Ooooooh!
Jake: Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.
Charlie: Why would you wanna be like me?
Jake: 'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Charlie: Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.
Jake(hopefully): Really?
Charlie: Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!
Jake: Where we going?
Charlie: [...] your dad out of jail.
Jake: [...]
Charlie: Sure, why not.

Jake: Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?
Alan: It's dark out.
Jake: Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.
Jake has put pin-up girls all over his room, then puts on a pair of Harry Potter glasses.

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Jake: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!

Jake: No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".
Changpu: My apologies.

Jake: She [Chloe] brought soup.
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Jake: So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?
Changpu: I have a cello.
Jake: What do you play on that?
Changpu: Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
Jake: So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?

Jake: Yo man! This bling is off the hook!
Charlie: Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!

Jake: Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle
Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.
Alan: What is it?
Jake: It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?
Berta: You said it Poop Dog.