Judith: Oh, eggnog.
Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Kandi's lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."

Kandi: But I don't want to sell the condo. I can see boats from here.
Alan: I understand, but I can't afford the payments.
Kandi [assertively]: I like boats!

Lydia: So sorry to hear about your troubles.
Alan: Troubles? What troubles?
Lydia: Oh, maybe I have it wrong. Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, broke, and living on your couch?
Charlie [to Alan]: I don't know what she's talking about.

Myra [to Alan]: So how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back or does my brother give you his?
Herb: Myra, the castration jokes are getting a little old.
Charlie: Not in my house.

Myra: [About why Judith doesn't like her] Maybe it's hair, maybe it's my job, maybe it's my hobbies or maybe it's because I offered my brother a thousand dollars not to marry her.
Charlie: I know what you mean. I did the same to my brother.
Myra: Really?
Charlie: Well, actually it was a thousand dollar hooker.

Naomi: I wouldn't need a job if I joined the Army.
Berta: You can't join the Army.
Naomi: Why not?
Berta: Because you already are all you can be.

Naomi: [She's pregnant] Hi.
Alan: Hi.
Naomi: Yeah... I'm not sure I have the right address.
Alan: No, you got the right address. Charlie, it's for you!
Charlie: Who is it?
Alan: Karma!
Charlie: What?
Alan: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie: Chickens? Karma? Alan, what the hell are you talking...
[Charlie sees Naomi]
Charlie: Ohhhhhh. Charlie, it's for you!

Nina: This is such a beautiful restaurant. They don't have anything like this back home.
Alan: Really? They-- they don't have nice restaurants in Idaho?
Nina: Oh, well, yeah, I mean we have a T.G.I. Friday's and an Applebee's. But you never see movie stars like we do here.
Vicki: Nina, they're just regular people.
Alan: And technically, I-- I wouldn't call Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

Roger: Evelyn, we have a surprise for you. Changpu is going to play his cello.
Jake: What the heck?
Charlie: Shhh, Shampoo's about to play his cello.

Rose: Boy, you look like hell.
Charlie: Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap.

Rose: Do you know what an aqueduct is?
Jake: Uh... something to do with water.
Rose: And...?
Jake: A duck?

Steven Tyler: Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica.
Charlie: They pay to hear you sing. They tolerate the harmonica!
Steven Tyler: Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, you lame-ass jingle writer!
Charlie: All right, let's see how you play harmonica out your other end!
Alan: Now, now-now-now-now, let's slow down here, c'mon.
Steven Tyler: Let's see what you got, jingle balls!
Charlie: OK, I'm gonna rip off your big fat lips and use 'em to kiss my ass!

Store clerk: Have you considered a nice perfume [for Evelyn]? Do you know her scent?
Alan: Uh, actually, I don't.
Charlie: I do.
Alan: You do?
Charlie: Yep. Do you carry Chanel No. 666?

Teddy: Charlie, when you get to be my age, most of your friends are either married or dead.
Charlie: What's the difference?
Teddy: The dead ones smell up my plane.