Teddy: Unbelievable. An eighteen-second fight. Takes me longer to start peeing.

Waiter: Good to have you back, Mr Harper. We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time.
Charlie: Maybe you just didn't recognise her. Like Satan, my mother can take many forms!
[A few moments later, after the waiter has been subjected to Lydia's sarcastic and abrasive manner]
Waiter: [in an undertone to Charlie] Many forms. I thought you were joking!

[a bandaged Charlie is making a needlepoint sampler]
Alan: "God bless Vicoden?"
Charlie: Pretty good, huh?
Alan: You spelled "Vicodin" wrong.
Charlie: That's the great thing about Vicodin. I don't care.

[after Alan finds out that Myra was sleeping with Charlie]
Alan: OK, um, let me just start, uh, by saying I applaud the, uh, the gusto with which you approach life.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: Um, that being said, uh, are you, um, out of your FREAKIN' MIND?!
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Alan: You just could not control yourself; 'A female is in the house, she must be mounted!'
Charlie: No, it's not like that at all, and why do you even care?
Alan: Why?! You ask me why?! I will tell you why: because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!
Charlie: Oh, that's ridiculous!
Alan: Ridiculous, you say? Alright, alright let's look at the record. You slept with Judith's sister...
Charlie: Well yeah-
Alan: At my wedding reception! You had more sex on my wedding day that I did!
Charlie: That part's not my fault!
Alan: Ok, let's jump ahead. When Judith was divorcing me, who seduced and then abandoned my lawyer, causing her to take revenge on me?!
Charlie: Hold on, that chick was nuts!
Alan: I lost everything!
Charlie: To be fair, you didn't have that much to begin with!

[after Evelyn's plastic surgery]
Alan: What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn: I just had a little procedure.
Alan: What kind of procedure?
Charlie: They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips.
Alan: What did they do, use the whole ass?

[Alan and Charlie find out that Judith is getting remarried]
Charlie: A-five, six, seven, eight...
Alan: [sings and dances] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

[Alan and Herb's ex-fiancée are locked in the coatroom during Herb and Judith's wedding. Alan is trying to break out.]
Woman [loudly so the wedding can hear her]: Oh, Alan Harper, you animal! I can't believe Judith let you go! Oh, God, Alan Harper, oh, God! Oh, don't stop, Alan Harper! Please don't stop! Oh, Alan Harper, I feel like a woman again!
Alan [busting into the wedding]: I'm Alan Harper, and I'm not having sex!

[Alan is drinking in the dark]
Alan: How was the reception?
Charlie: Kind of a letdown after the ceremony. But you'll be happy to know your little outburst is already on YouTube.
Alan: Damn camera phones.

[Alan is lying on his bed looking sad]
Alan: I just want to be alone.
Charlie: Well you don't need me, it's your home run swing.
Alan: Just close the door on the way out.
Charlie: Fine I'll close it, then I'll nail it shut, plaster it over and hang over it a picture of something a little more cheerful, like a plane crash.

[Alan is talking to Judith and Herb because Jake can hear them in bed.]
Judith: What did he say to you?
Alan: Well, uh, basically he's worried that when he grows up he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a minefield.

[Alan is trying to hang up on Judith]
Alan: Yeah, I-I-I... I think this phone is 'unning outta 'atteries. I 'aid, 'is 'one is 'unning outta 'atteries. 'ood-bye, 'udith. [hangs up] Think she bought it?
Charlie: If she did, she's 'upider than 'ou.

[Alan rings the doorbell]
Judith: You wanna get the door, Herb?
Herb: Stop yelling at me!
Judith: I'm not yelling! THIS IS YELLING!
Alan: You know what? This really isn't that funny. [throws the oversized alimony check aside]
Herb [answering the door]: Oh, hi, Alan, Charlie.
Alan: Herb, is this a bad time?
Herb: The Spanish Inquisition was a "bad time". This is hell.

[Charlie has a Mexican-style mustache painted on him]
Alan: Jake, I said no!
Jake: I didn't do it!
Berta: He didn't.
[Charlie coughs, then sits down at the table]
Charlie: What are you staring at?
Jake: Nothing, señor.

[Charlie is in bed with three women]
Alan: Listen, I-- I really need to talk to you. Can you come downstairs?
Charlie: Sure. Give me... an hour and a half.
Alan: An hour and a half?
Charlie: I know it's a little rushed, but we're on a tight schedule here! Tina's got homework, Cindy's got to meet her fiancé, and Marie... well, Marie's on the clock.
Alan: You already had two women in bed and you felt the need to call a professional?
Charlie: Better safe than sorry.

[Charlie is reading Alan's online dating profile]
Alan: Are you gonna let me explain or not?
Charlie: What's to explain? You have a Malibu beach house and you're the... "Chiropractor to the Stars".
Alan: Oh, OK, what do you want me to call myself? "Chiropractor to Fat People in the Valley"? Everybody exaggerates on these things.
Charlie: OK, I can understand that. You're probably not gonna get a lot of responses to "bushy-nosed cheapskate, enjoys long walks to a free meal."
Alan: Exactly.