[Charlie looks at the trash cans outside Ronald's shack]
Charlie: Lot of cold medicine. They must have allergies or something.
Berta: You don't watch 60 Minutes, do you?
[Berta knocks on the door. Ronald answers]
Ronald: What?
Berta: You Ronald?
Ronald: No.
Darlene [inside]: Ronald, who is it?
Ronald: Damn it, Darlene! We're incognito, remember? [to Charlie and Berta]: You cops?
Berta: Yeah. I'm Scully; this is Mulder.

[Charlie tells Alan the story about how he saw his mother in bed with a man when Charlie was eight years old]
Charlie: Anyway, at some point they realized I was standing there, and the guy said to me, "Don't worry, Speed Racer. I'm not hurting your mom."
Alan: Speed Racer?
Charlie: Remember, I had the Speed Racer pajamas?
Alan: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Our Christmas pajamas! You got Speed Racer, and I got Laverne & Shirley. So typical, I'm--
Charlie: This is not about you, Alan! This is about a horrible moment in my life that I completely repressed: Mom and the man with a big red mustache. Oh, God. I just realized why Yosemite Sam always made me nauseous! [sighs] And I'll tell you the worst part...
Alan: Worse than Laverne & Shirley pajamas?
Charlie: Alan...
Alan: I am amazed I'm not a raging queen.
Charlie: We all are!

[Fernando comes out of Chloe's bedroom in his boxers.]
Charlie: About to sleep with my girlfriend?!
Fernando: OK [as in, "OK, that sounds better.] About to.

[Herb is taking the garbage out per Judith's orders while Judith is yelling at Charlie and Myra]
Judith: WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME??!!
Herb: (from outside) I'M DOING IT!!! LOOK!!!

[in line at the movie theater]
Alan: So, what do you want?
Jake: Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds, popcorn, and a slushy.
Charlie: What are you doing, building an ass bomb?

[in the men's room]
Alan: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.
Charlie: Maybe you shouldn't wear khakis.

[Lydia is in the shower]
Charlie: I couldn't help but notice that you, uh, put some of your stuff in one of my drawers.
Lydia: Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here and make up for last night?
Charlie: Yeah, but I think we should talk about this drawer thing.
Lydia: OK. [she opens the shower curtain to reveal her nude self to Charlie] Talk.
Charlie [undressing]: Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this continent a new nation...

[on their way to the track]
Jake: How much can I bet?
Charlie: How much did you bring?
Jake: I have to use my own money?
Charlie: Boy, you really are your father's son, aren't you?
Jake: OK... [looking in his wallet] I have fourteen dollars.
Charlie: That's not gonna get you very far.
Jake: Um... oh, and I have a fifty-dollar gift certificate to Pizza Hut. Wanna buy it?
Charlie: Sure, I'll give you twenty-five bucks.
Jake: But it's worth fifty.
Charlie: To who?
Jake: To Pizza Hut.
Charlie: Well, then let the good folks at Pizza Hut place a bet for you.

[outside the nightclub]
Charlie: Listen, why don't you check your list for... Jackson. [shows a $20 bill] Andrew Jackson.
Bruno [takes the money]: Nope. Got Tito and La Toya.
Charlie: OK, what if I changed my name to... [takes out a $50 bill] Ulysses S. Grant?
Bruno: You can change your name to Condoleezza Rice. If you're not on the list and you're not a celebrity, you're not getting in.

[Rose is getting ready to leave]
Rose: Oh, I almost forgot. I thought you should have this. It's our first restraining order. Look how shaky your signature was. You were so spooked.

[while doing laundry]
Charlie: What will they think of next?
Alan: Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. Shh.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. Now what?
Alan: We wait.
Charlie: How will we know when we're done?
Alan: Don't worry. The machine will call you on your cell phone.