Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan [on the phone, wearing a dress]: Yes, yes, my car has been stolen. Yes, just now. If-- if you can hurry, you can... sure, I'll hold.
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
Evelyn: Why am I not surprised? Did it have to be my red chiffon?
Alan: "So what's in Culver City?" he asked, knowing the only possible answer.
Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?
Alan: Oh, you poor guy. You have to drive forty-five minutes to get laid.
Charlie: And forty-five minutes to get back. That's ninety minutes behind the wheel for twenty, thirty minutes behind... well, I don't need to draw you a map.
Alan: A little religion isn't gonna kill you.
Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?
Jake: Oh yeah? What's your definition of bloodsoaked vengeance?
Alan: At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.
Charlie: Wow. Two women?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.
Charlie: Wow. Two women?
Alan: Yeah.
Charlie: And yet you're still tooting your own horn.
Alan: But, uh, but FYI, Charlie's a thief, a liar, and I suspect something of a firebug.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
Herb: Really. Hmmm, he always struck me as a straight-shooter. Little loosey-goosey with the liquor and the ladies, but, uh, all in all, a good fella.
Judith: In what universe is Charlie Harper a "good fella"?
Herb: Well, I certainly don't know him as well as you do, so I'll just shut my pie hole.
Alan: Charlie, she [Melissa] is the best receptionist I've ever had.
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!
Charlie: I'm hoping to say the same.
Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.
Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!
Alan: Did you hear? Grandma's sending you to college!
Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
Jake: Now? I haven't finished my soup!
Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through? Look at him! Maybe there should be one child left behind.
Alan: I can't believe you've been going to gym all this time without a jockstrap.
Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: Oh, now I want one.
Jake: I don't like it. It feels like I've been flossing my butt crack.
Alan: Based on what I'm paying your dentist, you know nothing about flossing.
Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake: Oh, now I want one.
Alan: I don't care if I never inherit this house.
Charlie: Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
Alan: What new will?
Charlie: Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
Alan: (After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
Charlie: Uh, uh... excuse me? You ain't seen this new will, huh?
Alan: What new will?
Charlie: Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.
Alan: (After realizing he's going to move out when Charlie dies) Son of a bitch!
Alan: I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.
Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
Charlie: Wow. I lost $8,000 playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are.
Alan: I want my forty dollars!
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
Charlie: I only borrowed thirty-eight.
Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.
Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?
Alan: Yeah, I-- I like round numbers.
Charlie: OK, here's a round number for you: zero. Nice, tight circular shape. [makes a fist]: Nothing gets in, nothing gets out. Sound familiar, Alan?
Alan: Are you calling me anal?
Charlie: That's right. A-L-A-N. Anal.
Alan: I'm gonna have a daughter, Charlie.
Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Charlie: OK, OK, first of all, you don't know if it's your kid. All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith. Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith. So the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.
Alan: It became clear to me that I don't like what I'm doing, and now that Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.
Charlie: So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?
Charlie: So you're gonna masturbate in a kayak?
Alan: Judith's changed, Charlie. She's...she's a different woman.
Charlie: Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
Alan: That's a little graphic, don't you think?
Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!
Charlie: Different than the one who threw you out of your house with your nuts in a to-go bag?
Alan: That's a little graphic, don't you think?
Charlie: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit!