Alan: My point is that you're gonna leave her [Melissa] with bad memories that can be erased by removing herself from anything that reminds her of you, like me.
Charlie: Is that what you're worried about, Bunky?
Alan: Yes, that's what I'm worried about! What do you think I was worried about? What else would I be worried about?
Charlie: Well, let's see: your receding hairline, your semi-literate son, your budding man-boobs... but that's just off the top of my head.

Alan: Oh, Charlie. Your penis is no match for my technology.
[Charlie enters Alan's room]
Charlie: OK, I know what you're doing, now quit it!
Alan: What I'm doing? Whatever do you mean?
Charlie: You're text-blocking me.
Alan: Hey, I can't help it if Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Charlie: Keep it up, and she's gonna find you bloody and homeless.

Alan: OK, I don't mind the good-natured brotherly punching, but you did not have to twist my nipples.
Charlie: You're lucky I didn't rip them off and feed them to you.

Alan: So what's the deal? Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?
Charlie: I'm not sure. Cold, flu, something disgusting.
Jake: Maybe she has an STD.
Charlie: What?
Jake: It means "sexually transmitted disease".
Charlie: I know what STD's are!
Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.
Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.
Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you.
Jake: Okay. (walks to the utility room)
Charlie: (to Alan) You must be so proud.
Jake: (from the utility room) Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Alan: Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it.

Alan: So, bottom line, you don't have my money.
Charlie: No.
Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.
Charlie: The day hasn't even started yet!
Alan: It started for me.
Charlie: That's only because you're on Douchebag Savings Time!

Alan: Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.

Alan: Sure you don't want to come back to my office and hump my fax machine?
Charlie: Wow. You still have a fax machine?

Alan: This is so nice. A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us. Oh, my God, you guys! [he and Melissa enter the room for Alan's birthday party but nobody is there] There's nobody here.
Melissa: I don't understand. I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes. [he turns around to see Charlie, Jake, Evelyn, and Berta standing in the doorway]
Charlie: Surprise.

Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.

Alan: Unicorns? Oh, Herb, that's just a pony with a strap-on!

Alan: Wanna know her [Chelsea's] cat's name?
Charlie: No.
Alan: It's "Mandu".
Charlie: Mandu?
Alan: Yeah, you know, "Cat Mandu"? It's cute, huh?
Charlie: Why was I thinking "Puss-Puss"?
Alan: Because that's what you're always thinking.

Alan: We need to get rid of the staple gun.
Charlie: Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan. Idiots do.

Alan: You know, I have never once seen him [Charlie] eat seedless raspberry jam.
Berta: That's because you've never applied a thin layer to your hindquarters.

Berta: She's [Evelyn] buying Lunkhead a car?
Charlie: And a college education.
Berta: Huh. Well, I guess that makes sense if it's a clown college and the car seats twenty.

Charlie [after Alan and Melissa share a breakfast sausage]: Aw. Nothing says "love" like a little morning pork.