Charlie: [After finding Alan in the shower with Rose and Alan comes out] Explain it to me Alan, help me understand.
Alan: Oh, you mean Rose?
Charlie: No, I mean the internal combustion engine...Yes I mean Rose!

Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles. One: If at all possible, ladies first. Two: It's easier to be forgiven than ask permission. And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.
Alan: Except when they don't work.
Charlie: Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box. They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip. "Do you feel lucky, dumbass?"

Charlie: Alan, you don't have to worry. You're thinking about the old Charlie - The old hump'em and dump'em one track mind Charlie.
Alan: Oh, oh right. The old Charlie from way back this morning!
Charlie: I'm serious. I honestly want to start building a relationship.
Alan: Really?
Charlie: Yeah. Get to know someone. Let her get to know me. Have something in common, before we jump into bed.
Alan: Wow, I'm impressed!
Charlie: That I'm growing up?
Alan: No, that you can so easily lie to my face.

Charlie: Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex. That's the fourth-best kind of sex you can have!
Alan: Fourth? What are the other...never mind, I don't want to know. Charlie, the problem is that, now that Judith and Herb are over, she thinks that we're... [Jake walks by them on the way to the refrigerator] ...back to square one in dealing with the PTA car...nival.
Charlie: What?
Alan: The-the school carnival that we used to, uh, raise money for. [Jake leaves] [softly]: I don't want Jake to know about me and Judith. [Jake walks back to the refrigerator] Ith...cariot. Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.
Jake: What are you talking about?
Alan: Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon. Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.
Jake: Sounds lame.
Alan: Classic Warner Brothers animation. [chuckling]

Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: Smack your kid for me.
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.
Alan: Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.
Jake: Kobe Bryant?
Alan: No.
Jake: Lauren Conrad?
Alan: No.
Jake: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?
Alan: What is wrong with you?

Charlie: Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie: And how's your family back in... Davenport, Iowa?
Chelsea: I'm from Champaign, Illinois.
Charlie: You sure?
Chelsea: I'm sure.
Charlie: Bastard set me up!

Charlie: And just so we're clear, my car is cherry, so if you bang it, ding it, dent it, or even change the ass print in the seat, just keep driving 'til you get to Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.
Alan: I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.
Charlie: You know, you're taking the fun out of this!

Charlie: Everything work out at the office?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.
Charlie: Her waist or yours?
Alan: Both. And it wasn't easy. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.
Charlie: Then why do you call it "Brenda"?

Charlie: Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!

Charlie: Hey, Alan, d'you think I'm evil?
Alan: Oh God, yes.
[Charlie stares at him]
Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Charlie: Yeah, I'm a real force of nature.

Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?
Berta: It's called a colander. What do you need it for?
Charlie: It's not for me. It's for Chelsea.
Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?

Charlie: Hey, hey, it's got nothing to do with jealousy. I just know, based on a lifetime of experience, that penises do not observe a traditional mourning period.

Charlie: Hey, hey, lots of kids are named "Chuck", play the piano, and look disturbingly like me.
Berta: He's right. In fact, I'm surprised we're not up to our asses in 'em.

Charlie: Hey, Jake...
Jake: You might wanna hang back a sec. I just ripped off an air biscuit.
Chelsea: What?
Jake: I farted. Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.