Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: I've been thinking a lot about how fleeting life is, and that none of us really knows how long we're gonna be here.
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
Evelyn: I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
Evelyn: Did you find another lump on your pee-pee?
Charlie: No, Mom, my pee-pee's fine!
Evelyn: I don't know how "worn down to a nub" can be fine, but all right...
Charlie: Look at him. He can type eighty words a minute with his thumb, but he can't pee without hitting the shower curtain.
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Jake [while text messaging]: Oh, dude, WTF?
Charlie: Morning, buddy. How do you like your eggs?
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: What'cha doing?
Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan [on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Jake: In an Easter basket.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Berta: Morning.
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: What'cha doing?
Charlie: Cooking breakfast. How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
[later, Alan is talking on the phone]
Charlie: Hey, Alan! How do you like your eggs?
Alan [on the phone]: Uh, uh, one sec. Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie. What do I do?
Charlie: Scrambled it is.
Charlie: Oh, come on, Chelsea! Is this about money? 'Cause I'd be happy to pay the lease on your apartment.
Chelsea: It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!
Charlie: Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.
Chelsea: It's not about money, you ass! I just think it's ridiculous that we're engaged and not living together!
Charlie: Well, excuse me for being old-fashioned! I'm just not comfortable with us living in sin.
Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?
Charlie: No, no, no, it's not the "sin" I object to, it's the "living" in it.
Charlie: OK, OK, look, you're not going out to have fun. You never go out to have fun, because you know why? You're not a fun guy!
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy. We just have different definitions of "fun", and mine doesn't include urinary tract infections and dry heaving.
Charlie: Ordering a pizza and going home. Two of the three things you want in a woman.
Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
Charlie: I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.
Herb: Zing!
Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.
Charlie: I'll tell you what I wonder. I wonder how you could possibly get stoned enough to stick your tongue in the mouth of a sixty-year-old woman.
Herb: Zing!
Charlie: Should've known. The second you give 'em a ring, they fall out of warranty.
Charlie: So what's it gonna be? A movie, bowling, putt-putt, Nevada cathouse?
Jake: I vote for cathouse.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
Jake: I vote for cathouse.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?
Jake: Not firsthand. That's why I voted for it!
Alan: A movie would be fine.
Charlie: All right. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated "Arr!" [Alan and Charlie stare at him] You guys have no sense of humor.
Charlie: So where's your friend?
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
Jake: Gabe? He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.
Charlie: So you and her [Melissa] are, uh...
Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Alan: Oh, no-no, no, nothing's happened yet. Just a little kissing, and... she could feel my... "enthusiasm".
Charlie: What, are you Noël Coward? Just say "boner"!
Charlie: So, once again, what are you up to?
Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.
Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.
Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.
Charlie: Kleagle?
Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.
Rose: OK, at first I was just doing a little light recon on Chelsea to make sure you weren't dating a whack job.
Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be...? Go on.
Rose: Well, good news, she's not. She's got a cousin who's a truck stop hooker, and her mom's an honorary Kleagle in the Ku Klux Klan, but Chelsea's clean as a whistle.
Charlie: Kleagle?
Rose: According to Wikipedia, it's below Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.
Charlie: This is a Rolex! You sold me out for a watch!
Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]
Charlie: Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.
Alan: Oh hey, good idea!
Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch. I sold you out for a genuine Swiss chronometer. Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself. [repeatedly shakes his left hand]
Charlie: Put it on your right arm, it'll run forever.
Alan: Oh hey, good idea!
Charlie: We'll be lucky to leave here [Evelyn's house] with all of our limbs and gonads!
Jake: What's a gonad?
Charlie: You are.
Jake: So it's bad.
Alan: You're not a gonad.
Charlie: Says the other gonad.
Jake: What's a gonad?
Charlie: You are.
Jake: So it's bad.
Alan: You're not a gonad.
Charlie: Says the other gonad.
Charlie: What I've wanted to ask you is, "Do you think I've been a good role model?"
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
Charlie: You think so?
Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.
[about condoms]
Jake: Are you kidding? You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night. You're the best role model a guy could want!
Charlie: You think so?
Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.
[about condoms]