Charlie: What'cha doin'?
Alan: Building an original 1978 Firebird. Got it on eBay.
Charlie: OK. Why?
Alan: I had this model when I was little, remember? I spent a month building it and painting it and putting on all the decals...
Charlie: Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?
Alan: No, that was my Munster Mobile. And my Ventriloquist dummy, and my Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots. My Firebird, you blowtorched with a cigarette lighter and Mom's Aqua-Net.
Charlie: Oh, yeah, the "Fire"-bird.

Charlie: What's so interesting over there?
Jake: Nothing.
Charlie: Hey, you know the rule: If there's topless sunbathers, you don't hang out and stare at them. You come get your Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking... you guys look at me and you think it's easy. But what you don't see is all the years of hard work and dedication it took to make me the happy-go-lucky, drunken ass-wrangler I am today.

Charlie: You know, just once I'd like to walk in this room [the kitchen] and not be freaked out.
Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.
Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there. That's my favorite.

Chelsea's mother: Now, be honest with me, Charlie. You're so dark and handsome, you've gotta have some dago in you, right?
Charlie: God, I love your mom.

Chelsea: Believe me, when you meet my mom, you'll thank God for Evelyn.
Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?

Chelsea: I can't get over how into this baby you are.
Charlie: It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.
Chelsea: So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?
Charlie: I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.
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Chelsea: I think I'm coming down with a cold. [blows her nose]
Charlie: That doesn't sound like a cold. It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.

Chelsea: What do you want me to do, Charlie?! You want me to leave?!
Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here! I'll leave! It'll make more room for you and Sir Crapsalot!
Chelsea: Charlie...
[Charlie slams the bathroom door and walks downstairs]
Charlie: Get a good earful?
Berta: No.
Jake: I did, and I don't appreciate being called "Sir Crapsalot".

Chelsea: What the hell did I just swallow?
Charlie: A one-bedroom condo.
Chelsea: What?
Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!
Chelsea: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why?" I was gonna propose and I had no idea you'd chug it like a Jell-O shot!
Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?!
Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?
Chelsea: I was thirsty! Stop yelling at me!
Charlie: How in God's name could you swallow it so easily?!
Chelsea: Hey, that's one of the things you love about me!

Chelsea: Who's my best friend? Where do I work? What's my cat's name? What's my favorite movie? What kind of music do I like? What religion was I raised in? And do I have any brothers and sisters?
Charlie: Okay, I'd like to startwith the cat.

Dr. Freeman: You have a choice here: You can dig down and confront your feelings so they won't be controlling your behavior, or you can keep eating pudding and cookies until you have more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Dr.Freeman: Hey Charlie, how's it going?
Charlie: Boy you really blew it this time.
Dr.Freeman: Did I now? How so?
Charlie:(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
Dr.Freeman:(distracted) Oop my bad
Charlie: Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.
Dr.Freeman: Sorry I must have been drunk.

Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.

Evelyn: Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.
Charlie: Judith.
Evelyn: Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.
Charlie: Do you want a better relationship with him?
Evelyn: Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.