Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesAlan: Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.
Alan: Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.
Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?
Alan: Actually, no.
Sharon: You're a very nice guy...
Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
Sharon: OK, it's you. Feel better?
Alan: Actually, no.
Sharon: You're a very nice guy...
Alan: No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?
Sharon: Yes, they finish last.
Alan: No, they finish in the shower.
Alan: So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.
Charlie: Hey, leave Jake out of this.
Alan: So, uh, how was school this week?
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
Jake: OK.
Alan: Anything noteworthy happen?
Jake: No.
Charlie: I thought you said he got dumped!
Alan: I was easing into it.
Charlie: Oh, good idea. Go ahead.
Alan: Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.
Charlie: Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.
Alan: They love him! How can they love him?
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
Artie: Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!
Alan: Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?
Artie: He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.
Alan: Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.
Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Evelyn: So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?
Alan: No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.
Evelyn: Charlie, what about you?
Charlie: I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.
Alan: What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.
Berta: You're just making it hotter for him.
Alan: What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?
Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?
Berta: Wouldn't you?
Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
Alan: You're not helping.
Charlie: I rarely do.
Berta: Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.
Alan: Have you been listening this whole time?
Berta: Wouldn't you?
Alan: You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?
Charlie: Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.
Alan: You're not helping.
Charlie: I rarely do.
Alan: Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
Jake: 'Cause I don't have to.
Alan: You don't have to study algebra.
Jake: Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.
Alan: OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...
Alan: You're gonna get married?
Charlie: Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Alan: Cooperstown?
Charlie: It is my bat.
Alan: Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
Charlie: You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
Alan: Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?
Charlie: Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.
Alan: Cooperstown?
Charlie: It is my bat.
Alan: Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.
Charlie: You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.
Alan: Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?
Alan: You're supposed to be finishing your report.
Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find... the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find... the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!
Jake: I know, but I can't find the book.
Alan: You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.
Jake: What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.
Alan: Find... the book.
Jake: I'm really tired.
Alan: Find... the book!
Jake: Just saying it won't make it happen.
[Charlie walks into the house]
Alan: FIND... THE... BOOK!
Jake [running]: Heads up! He's losing it.
Alan: I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!
Alan: You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.
Jake: Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.
Alan: OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!
Jake: I have my doubts, Dad.
Alan: You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.
Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
Charlie: Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.
Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]: Hi, Alan.
Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.
Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]: Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.
Berta: One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--
Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Berta: Who's telling the story?!
Alan: Continue.
Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
Alan: His middle name is Francis.
Alan: His middle name isn't Roscoe--
Berta: Who's telling the story?!
Alan: Continue.
Berta: Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]
Alan: His middle name is Francis.