Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesBerta: So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
Courtney: Berta, that is my father in there!
Berta: OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?
Berta: What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?
Season 6
Season 6
Berta: Where are you going?
Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Charlie: I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.
Berta [sings]: And the skies are not cloudy all day.
Berta: Who's he [Alan] listening to?
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called "Who".
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good. Reminds me of early Who.
Jake: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake: What?
Berta: Band called "Who".
Jake: Bucket of Hate.
Charlie [after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]: It's worse than the potpourri!
Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]: I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.
Charlie [singing on TV]: He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!
Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?
Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?
Alan: When did you become the king of kids' songs?
Charlie: When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?
Charlie: [plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD!
Charlie: A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
Alan: He doesn't?
Charlie: No, he doesn't.
Alan: Can't we ask him?
Charlie: Don't bother. I know what he'll say.
Alan: OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?
Charlie: But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.
Alan: That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.
Alan: How?
Charlie: If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.
Alan: That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?
Charlie: I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.
Alan: How?
Charlie: If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.
Charlie: Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".
Charlie: Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!
Alan: What?
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
Alan [to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?
Alan: What?
Charlie: I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]
Alan: Charlie, you have to get out there.
Charlie: Right, the little bastards await.
Alan [to Artie]: You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?
Charlie: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.
Charlie: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
Charlie: Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?