Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
Jake: She is kind of cute.
Charlie: Why don't you go talk to her?
Jake: I don't know what to say.
Charlie: That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!
Charlie: How could you take the fall for me?
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
Alan: I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!
Charlie: How much you looking to spend?
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Alan: Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
Charlie: Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.
Charlie: Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
Alan: M-- My hoe?
Charlie: Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?
Charlie: I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Linda: You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?
Charlie: Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.
Linda: No, you did quite enough, thank you.
Charlie: Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.
Charlie: I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.
Charlie: I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Well, now it's on your head for a hat.
[puts the bowl on Alan's head]
Alan: No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.
Charlie: Well, now it's on your head for a hat.
[puts the bowl on Alan's head]
Charlie: I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
Alan: I never took any LSD!
Charlie: You might want to start telling people you did.
Charlie: Nice, huh?
Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie: You should see her naked.
Alan: Can I?
Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
Charlie: You really wanna know?
Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.
Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.
Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?
Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
Alan: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie: You should see her naked.
Alan: Can I?
Charlie: Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.
Alan: Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?
Charlie: You really wanna know?
Alan: Yeah, what-- what's your secret?
Charlie: Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.
Alan: [moment of silence] That's not a secret.
Charlie: I didn't think so, but you asked.
Alan: So that's it, you got a knack?
Charlie: Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.
Alan: Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.
Charlie: Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.
Charlie: She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Alan: Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.
Charlie: So what do I owe you?
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie [sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
Dr. Freeman: Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?
Charlie [sighs]: Man. Even hookers prorate.
Dr. Freeman: Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.
Charlie: We've got a real problem here.
Berta: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
Berta: What do you mean "we"? [walks away]
Charlie: What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!
Alan: They do not!
Charlie: "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"
Alan: Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!
Charlie: They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!
Alan: They do not!
Charlie: "We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"
Charlie: Who loves kids?
Kids: Charlie Waffles!
Charlie: Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
Charlie: That's it, what do you think?
Alan [after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie [to Jake]: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!
Kids: Charlie Waffles!
Charlie: Right!
[Charlie turns off the TV]
Charlie: That's it, what do you think?
Alan [after staring in disbelief]: I'm going back to bed.
Charlie [to Jake]: What about you?
Jake: You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
Charlie: Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!
Charlie: You clear on everything I told you?
Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!
Alan: Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--
Charlie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.
Alan: You didn't say anything about that.
Charlie: It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!