Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesCharlie: You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
Alan: Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".
Cynthia: Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.
Jake: It's called "puberty".
Charlie: It's called "doughnuts".
Jake: Doughnuts don't make hair.
Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
Evelyn: Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.
Evelyn: We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.
Gabrielle: So, you are a "seek-list"?
Alan: A what?
Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]
Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".
Alan: A what?
Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]
Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".
Indian doctor: We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"
Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.
Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?
Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.
Jake: Hot girl at twelve o'clock.
Charlie: Where?
Jake: Over there.
Alan: That would be nine o'clock.
Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.
Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.
Charlie: Where?
Jake: Over there.
Alan: That would be nine o'clock.
Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.
Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.
Jake: I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.
Jake: So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?
Milly: No.
Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
Jake: What?
Charlie: Just don't say "balls".
Milly: No.
Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
Jake: What?
Charlie: Just don't say "balls".
Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.
Teddy: Nothing.
Jake: Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
Jake: You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.