Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesJake: You really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
Judith: Hey, honey, how's it going?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
Alan: I did.
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?
Alan: I just find it's easier that way.
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
Alan: I did.
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?
Alan: I just find it's easier that way.
Linda: Thank you for a lovely dinner.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.
Charlie: You're welcome. [they kiss]
Linda: Good night.
Charlie: Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?
Linda: I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.
Charlie: Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.
Linda: Well, then, go tuck yourself.
Charlie: I guess I'll have to.
Rose look-alike #3: [knocks on the door]
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?
Charlie: Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?
Rose look-alike #3: Room service, señor.
Charlie: We didn't order anything.
Rose look-alike #3: Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.
Charlie: Can you slip it under the door?
Rose: The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.
Alan: You're changing him?
Berta: You're cleaning him?
Jake: You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.
Rose: I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.
Jake: Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.
Rose: Potato, pot-ah-to.
Rose: What are you doing?
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
Charlie: Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".
Rose: You're waiting for a prostitute?
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
Alan: No.
Rose: Oh, Alan, that's not like you.
Alan: Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?
Rose: A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.
Alan: Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.
Rose: Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.
Sloane: Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Jake: No, I never go to my uncle's room.
Sloane: Why not?
Jake: 'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.
Waiter: Can I bring you anything else?
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
Charlie: Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.
I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies
bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!
TV commercial: Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!
Alan: What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?
[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: I'm here, I figure, what the hell?
Charlie: Just remember to put the seat back down.
Alan: It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?
Charlie: I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.
[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
Teddy: Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.
Evelyn: That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.
[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: I need your help.
Charlie: If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.
Alan: No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.
Charlie: Yeah, so?
Alan: I'm out of notches.
Charlie: Fine, what do you need?
Alan: A younger man's penis.
[At the interrogating room, with red hair attractive cop player by Jamie Rose]
Charlie Harper: That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?
Charlie Harper: That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?