Charlie: Come on, Alan. If you change your look you might be able to land someone in the dating game. You know, like Judith is.
Alan: I don't need to land anyone in any game.
Charlie: Fine, I'm here if you need me.
Alan: I'm fine. So Jake, what's new?
Jake: My soccer coach sings a lot now.
Alan: Why?
Jake: No reason. But I think it's the same reason Mom sings all the time now.
Alan: Oh, all right.
Jake: I'm done. Can I go watch TV now?
Alan: Sure. [Jake goes off] ... Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason too!

Charlie: Hey, if you listened to me in the first place, you wouldn't be in this mess. I'm the one who told you not to marry her.
Alan: You're also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.
Charlie: The one time you listen to me.
Alan: Let me tell you another thing: if I hadn't married Judith, there would be no Jake.
Charlie: I didn't say you couldn't knock her up!

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.
Alan: Yeah. Like every other time Judith screwed me.
Charlie: What happened?
Alan: What happened? I'll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy.

Charlie: Hey, we're here for fun, right? Nobody wins or loses.
Alan: Oh, come on! Somebody always loses! [stands up] Who are we kidding? It's 8 to 1 out there and everybody here knows it. And-- and you know, I'll tell you another thing! We haven't won a game all season, and I'm putting that in the newsletter! And as God as my witness, there will be a newsletter!
Jake: Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.
Charlie: Forget it, Jake. It's Sherman Oaks.

Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it's impossible to find when you're drunk.

Charlie: I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, God, Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, it's my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I'm like, Mr. Family Guy.
Lisa: Yeah, right, family guy. How's it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell does my mom have to do with family?

Charlie: I'm not a particularly religious guy, but clearly, a power much greater than myself wants me to knock somebody up someday.
Rose: You called?
Season 2

Charlie: If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years, and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel!

Charlie: It's not that I don't care what you want. It's just that... you're a kid. What you want doesn't matter. [Jake folds his arms in disgust] Wow. I do suck.

Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now, on a scale from 1 to...2?

Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Charlie: That could work.

Charlie: Who gets him [Jake] in that [worst-case] scenario thing?
Alan: Cousin Jerry and his wife Fay.
Charlie: Jerry and Fay? Why Jerry and Fay?
Alan: Well, they-- they've a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, and they live in a great school district.
Charlie: Yeah, but I'm your brother!
Alan: Charlie, it's--
Charlie: And I live right here! You wouldn't have to ship him off to... Cornhole, Kansas!
Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.
Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?
Alan: I don't know, Dorothy and Toto?

Evelyn: Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.
Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Both: Well...
Alan: Jake has this thing...
Charlie: Got work.
Alan: Judith will have Jake.
Charlie: Don't really want to.

Frankie [to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!