Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Alan: Sure, why not.
Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Jake: Hey, what you doing?
Charlie: Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What's up?
Jake: I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.
Charlie: Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?
Jake: I'm not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.
Charlie: That's cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?
Jake: No, I'm okay.
Charlie: Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told. And this is a sad thing.
Jake: My dad's not sad.
Charlie: Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you.
Jake: From what?
Charlie: From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it's a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.
Jake: What?
Charlie: It's not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay. Understand?
Jake: Yea.
[Charlie holds out his fist and Jake bangs his fist against it. Jake gets up and goes through to the next room where Alan is sitting at his desk.]

Jake: I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?
Alan: Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.
Jake: Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Jake: It's okay, Dad.

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Oh MD or Ph D.?
Jake: C-O-W.

Jake: My parents are splitting up.
Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.

Jake: Were you talking to Mom?
Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.

Joni: Hi I'm Joni!
Jake: Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joni: Can I come?
Jake: Whatever. [The two of them go off]
Charlie: If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.

Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Judith: [About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.
Jake: Awwwww, Mom...
Alan: No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.
Charlie:Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Judith: OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!

Kathleen: You have a girlfriend yet?
Jake: No, I'm a bachelor like my Uncle Charlie.
Linda: So you're never gonna get married?
Jake: No, as long as I got someone to clean my house and some action on a regular basis, I don't need a wife.
Mandy: Excuse me?
Jake: I don't want to give anybody half my stuff.

[Alan and Charlie find Frankie beating up her psychiatrist's car with a baseball bat]
Charlie: You got a nice swing.
Frankie: Thanks!
Charlie: Try stepping into it. You'll get more power that way.
Frankie: You mean like this? [she knocks one of the side mirrors off]
Charlie: Oh, yeah! Dial one and the area code, 'cause that is long-distance!