[at the supermarket]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.
Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper! I want vodka that doesn't look like Fred Flintstone would drink it! I want my life back.
Alan: Fine. Then swallow your pride, call Mom, and ask her to lend you some money.
Charlie [opening the bottle of generic vodka]: Yabba-dabba-doo.

[Berta has lower back pain while lifting up a laundry basket]
Alan: You, uh, you do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a dirty look] Of course you do. You're a maid, and I'm an ass.
Berta: I'm a housekeeper.
Alan: Yes.
Berta: And you're an ass.

[Evelyn finds out that Charlie previously dated her boyfriend Tommy's daughter, Olivia]
Evelyn: Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?
Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times. She assumed it was an exclusive thing, and when she found out it wasn't, she got a little upset. [waves at Olivia after she stares at him] Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I'm-- I'm very happy for you. Good night. [starts to leave]
Evelyn: Charles, you are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming, and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn't exactly filed when I met her!

[Frankie and Alan kiss, and Alan starts crying]
Frankie: What's the matter?
Alan: I don't know! It's been so long since anybody's touched me!
[Alan goes to bed with Charlie]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yes?
Charlie: It's been so long since anybody's touched me!

[Jake is upbeat after several days of being sullen]
Alan: What happened to him?
Charlie: If I didn't know better, I'd swear he got laid last night.
Berta: I hope you don't mind, but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.
Alan: What did you say?
Berta: I said: "Drink this bottle of prune juice". You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes! It's a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

[Jakes meets Prudence, Berta's 16-year-old grand-daughter]
Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh, honey, don't get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means: If she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she'll be the first one in the family.