Judith [to the class]: OK, everybody, what we're gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other.
Alan: Sure, start splitting them up early. That's your answer for everything, isn't it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs. Plaintiff please see Mr. Respondent in the hallway?

Judith: [About Jake] He can't go in the water this weekend, he's got an ear infection.
Jake: Awwwww, Mom...
Alan: No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.
Charlie:Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial.

Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Judith: Herb and I are going to have a baby.
Berta: Congratulations. Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.

Judith: Hey, honey, how's it going?
Jake: Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!
Judith: Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.
Alan: I did.
Judith: Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?
Alan: 'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]
Gabrielle: Why are you sorry?
Alan: I just find it's easier that way.

Judith: I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.
Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.

Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.

Judith: I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?
Alan: Got it.
Judith: Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]
Alan [mocking Judith]: "There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."
Charlie [also mocking Judith]: "I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."
Alan [same mocking voice]: I enjoy talking this way.
Charlie [same mocking voice]: As do I.

Judith: Oh, eggnog.
Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. [turns to Alan] We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents.
Alan: Oh really, your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. [turns to Judith] Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Judith: OK, fine. You always wanted Liz, go ahead. Here's your chance. Give her your little "adjustment". And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, I'll have a good time with your brother. [puts her right arm around Charlie]
Charlie: Beg pardon?
Judith: Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. You know we've always had sexual tension between us!
Charlie: Really? I... thought it was just regular tension.
Judith: Come on, I've seen you looking at my chest.
Alan: You looked at my wife's chest?
Charlie: Hey, I'm a guy!

Judith: Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him [Jake].
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men.

Judith: When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!
Alan: Uh, well, Judith... you do.

Kandi [to Alan]: I think we've reached an implants in our relationship.
Judith: Impasse!

Kandi: Alan, should I try it [starting her car] again?
Alan: Uh, no, I'm gonna call Triple-A.
Kandi: Good, no sense drinking over this.
Charlie: You must be so proud.
Alan: Hey, hey, she may not be sophisticated, but she's... street-smart.
Charlie: Sesame Street-smart.

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Kandi's lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it. "Subpoenas."