Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesJake: Where's Uncle Charlie?
Chelsea: Said he had some sort of meeting.
Jake: That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.
Chelsea: Said he had some sort of meeting.
Jake: That means poker or strip club. [everyone in the kitchen stares at him] I'm sure it's poker.
Jake: Why do you say "freakin'"? I know what you mean. I'm not a little kid anymore.
Jake: Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
Alan: No, more like he's trying to get into something.
Jake: Good one.
Alan: You understood that?
Jake: Not really. That's how I knew it was good.
Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass, Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said "ass."
Charlie: Tell you what... here's twenty. That should cover me until lunch.
Jake: Yo man! This bling is off the hook!
Charlie: Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!
Charlie: Hey Jake, you're a pasty, white kid, start acting like one!
Jake: Yo, mad props on the sandwich, Dad. This PB & J is off the hook!
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle
Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.
Alan: What is it?
Jake: It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?
Berta: You said it Poop Dog.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: He's been watching MTV Cribs. The kid's a sponge.
Jake: For shizzle, my dizzle
Berta: Hey, M.C. Skidmark, here's something else you left in your pants.
Alan: What is it?
Jake: It's a birthday card, Mom's making me give it to Grandma. Whack! Right?
Berta: You said it Poop Dog.
Jake: You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Charlie: You and me.
Jake: Just don't clock block me, OK?
Charlie: "Clock block" you?
Jake: That's not it?
Charlie: No, that's not it.
Jake: You really want to do something with me?
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
Alan: Yes!
Jake: How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?
Alan: And... what am I supposed to do all that time?
Jake: Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.
[Charlie walks into the kitchen]
Charlie: Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?
Alan: Nobody.
Charlie: Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.
Jake: You should have seen it, Berta. The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.
Berta: Is that so?
Jake: It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.
Berta: Is that so?
Jake: It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot. I wonder if they got him to the morgue in thirty minutes or less.
Jamie [to Alan]: You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
Charlie: Well, I guess we know why she's still single.
Jerome [sobbing]: And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.
Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Jerome: For a placekicker!
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.
Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
Charlie: Oh, man, I'm sorry.
Jerome: For a placekicker!
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.
Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia. Not a single vowel in his entire name!
Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck. That guy could sure split the uprights... in a football manner of speaking.
Joni: Hi I'm Joni!
Jake: Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joni: Can I come?
Jake: Whatever. [The two of them go off]
Charlie: If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.
Jake: Hey, [To Alan and Charlie] I'm gonna go play in my room.
Joni: Can I come?
Jake: Whatever. [The two of them go off]
Charlie: If he can keep up the attitude for another 30 years he's gold.
Judith [noticing Kandi's new diamond necklace]: Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave me a diamond necklace.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
Alan: Yeah, well, you never gave me extra-special bonus sex.
Judith [sobbing]: How could this happen? How could I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
Alan: Oh, sweetie, you can't blame yourself. Although you are the common denominator.
Judith [to Charlie]: I suppose you're the one who introduced Alan to that slutty little--
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.
Charlie: Don't say it, Judith; you'll just be demeaning all women. And yes.
Judith: Figures. Well, I don't want her [Kandi] around my son.
Alan: Oh, oh, oh, really? So, do I get to screen the men that you're dating? And let's not forget, I know about that guy who delivered the truckload of sod.
Judith: What about him?
Alan: [scoffs] It doesn't take two months to put down a new lawn, Judith.
Charlie: Sounds like she got laid before the sod did.