Jake: No cookies? What the hell is going on around here?!
Alan: Hey, watch your mouth!
Jake: I am watching it. It's empty. I need dessert!

Jake: No offense, but "Smoke on the Water" does not begin with "Crap on the Water".
Changpu: My apologies.

Jake: Oh, yeah, she [Mia] wants us to come see her dance next weekend.
Charlie: It [the newspaper] says she's performing this weekend.
Jake: Oh, I guess she called last weekend.
Charlie: You're telling me this now?!
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down.
Charlie: How many things does the kid have to handle? Eat, poop, tell me who called!
Jake: She said some guy named Will has tickets.
Charlie [sighs]: Who's Will?
Jake: I don't know. She said he'd call.
Charlie: Will's gonna call?
Alan: You mean the tickets are at will call?
Jake: I don't know, maybe.
Charlie: Dear God, he's a doorstop that eats!

Jake: See you later.
Charlie: Where you going?
Jake: Down to the pier with Celeste.
Herb: Who's Celeste?
Jake: My girlfriend. She lives next door.
Herb: She pretty?
Jake: She's gorgeous, and smart and popular.
Herb: No kidding.
Charlie: We don't get it either.
Alan: Maybe she's punishing her father.
Jake: Let's hope so!

Jake: She [Chloe] brought soup.
Charlie: Why would she bring soup?
Alan: You told her you had a bug, so she assumed it was bronchial. If you'd been more specific like I suggested, you could have precluded this. Nobody just drops by when they think you have diarrhea.

Jake: So, do you have a PlayStation or an Xbox?
Changpu: I have a cello.
Jake: What do you play on that?
Changpu: Beethoven, Brahms, Bach, Shostakovich.
Jake: So... no Grand Theft Auto?

Jake: So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?
Milly: No.
Jake: I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.
Charlie: Ix-nay on the alls-bay.
Jake: What?
Charlie: Just don't say "balls".

Jake: This is really weird.
Alan: Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
Jake: I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Charlie: Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yeah, buddy.
Jake: You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married.
Alan: Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool! I could be the best man, carry the ring for you and the medication for her. Do pharmacies have bridal registries? Hey, have-- have you guys talked about having kids? Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter of teeny-weeny, crazy-ass feet? [to Jake]: No, he's not gonna marry Rose.
Jake: Why not? He's already getting sex from her.
Charlie: Jake, Jake, the only reason Rose was in my bed is because she was too tired to go home.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot.

Jake: Well, they [Judith and Herb] are fighting a lot.
Alan: They're fighting?
Jake: Yep. Thirty-one.
Charlie: Thirty-one?
Jake: It's what you get when you add twenty-four and seven. You know, they're fighting all the time, 24/7? Thirty-one?
Charlie: I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

Jake: Were you talking to Mom?
Alan: Yes, but I-- I hung up before I said the bad stuff.
Jake: Yeah, she does the same thing to you.

Jake: What do I have to do for you?
Charlie: Just promise to be sad at my funeral.
Jake: Do I have to cry?
Charlie: No.
Jake: Will there be food?
Charlie: Yes.
Jake: Can I bring a date?
Charlie: You're just screwing with me now, right?
Jake: How does it feel?

Jake: What if I flunk out? Do I have to give the car back?
Evelyn: No, sweetheart, what makes you think you'll flunk out?
Jake: Well, history. Right now there's a 60/60 chance I'm gonna have to repeat the eighth grade.
Evelyn: 60/60, huh?
Jake: At least. It could be 70/40.
Evelyn: Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.
Jake: Is that good?
Evelyn: For the Ivy League.

Jake: When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?
Teddy: Nothing.

Jake: Where's the dead guy?
Alan: Jake, show a little respect.
Jake: Where's the dead guy sir?