Jake: Hey, what you doing?
Charlie: Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What's up?
Jake: I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren't getting back together again.
Charlie: Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?
Jake: I'm not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.
Charlie: That's cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?
Jake: No, I'm okay.
Charlie: Jake, it's okay to feel sad, I've been told. And this is a sad thing.
Jake: My dad's not sad.
Charlie: Of course he is. He's just trying to protect you.
Jake: From what?
Charlie: From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it's a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.
Jake: What?
Charlie: It's not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it's okay. Understand?
Jake: Yea.
[Charlie holds out his fist and Jake bangs his fist against it. Jake gets up and goes through to the next room where Alan is sitting at his desk.]

Jake: Hot girl at twelve o'clock.
Charlie: Where?
Jake: Over there.
Alan: That would be nine o'clock.
Jake: No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.
Charlie: You want to straighten him out, or should I?
Alan: Go ahead, take a swing.
Charlie: OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.
Jake: What if you have a digital watch?
Charlie: First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Jake: How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?
Charlie: Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know
Jake: How come?
Charlie: Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Jake: I don't understand why I can't have the blue tuxedo.
Alan: Because you're going to your mother's wedding, not hosting a game show on Telemundo.

Jake: I don't wanna go clothes shopping. I'm not the one that needs a new look, so why do I have to go?
Alan: Come on, Jake, get your jacket and let's go.
Jake: Fine, I'll get my stupid jacket, then we'll get in the stupid car and then we'll go to the stupid mall and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.
Charlie: Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

Jake: I forgot to comb my hair.
Charlie: No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]
Jake: That's spit!
Charlie: One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.

Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
Charlie: Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.

Jake: I still don't understand why it's called Back to the Future.
Alan: Because they're stuck in the past, and they have to get back...
Jake: Home.

Jake: I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.

Jake: I was trying to research cars, but you wouldn't believe what comes up when you Google "Hummer".
Charlie: Actually, I would.

Jake: I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.
Charlie: Wanna bet?
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Jake: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only one leg work at? [pause] IHOP!

Jake: It's okay, Dad.

Jake: My doctor has a cow puppet.
Evelyn: Oh MD or Ph D.?
Jake: C-O-W.

Jake: My parents are splitting up.
Charlie: Yeah, looks that way. You're lucky. When I was a kid I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yeah.
Jake: Grandma says you're a bitter disappointment.