Jake [to Alan and Charlie]: You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.

Jake [to Charlie]: You up for an R-rated movie? Boobies, no violence.

Jake: (Imitating Harry Potter) 'Ello ladies!

Jake: [About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.
Evelyn: You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.
Alan: Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!
Evelyn: Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?

Jake: [To Evelyn after her plastic surgery] Dad says you got your butt in your lips. SO if you burp now it'll really be a fart right?

Jake: Dad?
Alan: Yeah?
Jake: Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]
Charlie: Well, Alan, do you?
Alan: Um... Jake... what do you know what erectile dysfunction?
Jake: Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?
Alan: Right.
Jake: And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.

Jake: Even though Mom stopped loving you and Kandi stopped loving you, you don't have to worry about me.
Alan: Thanks, pal!
Jake: You're my dad. I pretty much gotta love you.

Jake: Have you seen my Game Boy?
Norman: No. Have you seen my wife?
Jake: No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
Norman: Ditto.

Jake: Hey Dad, do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend?
Alan: Well, I just met her the one time, so...no, not really.
Jake: You know what she reminds me of? The girls at school who think they rule the world, just cos they got their boobs!
Alan: Well, I hate to tell you buddy, but they kinda do!

Jake: Hey!
Charlie: Oh, [...] finally up the phone.
Jake: Yeah.
Charlie: When do you get Wendy [...] the necklace?
Jake(depressed): I'm not.
Charlie(mocking): What happened? Checkin'out?
Jake(depressed): No.
Charlie(reproachful): I don't believe it! You [...] my ass alway down of the mall. I [...] up 40 [...] for the necklace and you checkin' out?
Jake(loud): She has dumped me old turd!
Charlie(suprised): Oh, you couldn't tell me that before I started being an old turd?
Jake(disappointed): I'm only twelve. I need a time machine.
Charlie: Dude, I am really sorry. What happened?
Jake: She decided she has a problem with mixed relationships.
Charlie(perplexed): What, chinese and [...]?
Jake: [...] and [...].
Charlie: Ooooooh!
Jake: Yeah well, I'm done with relationships. From now on I'm gonna be like you.
Charlie: Why would you wanna be like me?
Jake: 'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, so you never get hurt.
Charlie: Okay, listen to me. Being hurt sucks...but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. It's what gives the man hope. What gives his live meaning. Don't turnin' back on love Jake. I did. And I reget it every day.
Jake(hopefully): Really?
Charlie: Might God strike me down if I'm lying. [Looks up and whispers: Thank you!] Alright, game's over! Let's go!
Jake: Where we going?
Charlie: [...] your dad out of jail.
Jake: [...]
Charlie: Sure, why not.

Jake: Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?
Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]: A present?
Jake: Yeah, a memento of your time together.
Alan: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.
Jake: So you were too cheap to get her earrings.
Alan: She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?
Alan: Sure, why not.
Jake: OK, there's a priest, a minister, and a rabbit.
Charlie: That's a "rabbi", Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah. OK, a priest, a minister, and a rabbi. I forgot the rest. I gotta go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? 'Cause you're a-peein'.

Jake: Hey, Dad, when this is over, wanna play catch?
Alan: It's dark out.
Jake: Okay. [to Charlie] I tried.
Jake has put pin-up girls all over his room, then puts on a pair of Harry Potter glasses.

Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?
Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.
Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.
Alan: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake: It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Jake: Hey, how come my mom hates Kandi?
Charlie: What gave you the idea that she hates her?
Jake: 'Cause she says so... a lot.
Charlie: All right. Why do you think?
Jake: I dunno. She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad seems real happy with her.
Charlie: Well, little man, you just answered your own question.
Jake: I did? What'd I say?
Charlie: It's like this: You ever see a kid at school who doesn't like his lunch but he won't let you have it either?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley. He'll spit on his apple cobbler before he'll let anybody else eat it.
Charlie: Well, this is pretty much the same deal, except your mom is Russell Beasley, and your dad is the spit-covered cobbler.
Jake: I don't understand.
Charlie: Even though your mom doesn't want your dad, she doesn't want Kandi to eat him, either.
Jake: Oh.