Female Bartender: Would you like some more pretzels?
Charlie: Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted.

Frankie [to Alan]: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes... If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect!

Gabrielle: So, you are a "seek-list"?
Alan: A what?
Gabrielle: A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?
Alan: Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".
Gabrielle: Ah. [giggles]
Alan: I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".

Gordon: [delivering pizza] Hey Mr. Harper.
Charlie: Oh, hey Gordon! It's been a long time.
Gordon: Yeah, two years.
Charlie: So what have you been up to?
Gordon: Well, I finished night school, got my business degree, met an amazing girl and got married, landed a great job as a stock brocker, the company went under, my wife left me and - uh - that'll be 28.50.
Charlie: Oh, man I'm sorry. You want a drink?
Gordon: Why stop now?

Gordon: Where do you guys want me to put these [pizzas]?
Alan: Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.
Gordon: [sighs] Snickerdoodles.
Alan: You don't like them?
Gordon: No, no, I do. It's just that my wife used to call me her little snickerdoodle.
Charlie: You're kidding.
Gordon: Well, no, not all of me. It was her little nickname for my, uh... [awkward chuckle]
Jerome: Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.
Gordon: Oh, yeah? What did your wife call yours?
Jerome: Mr. Roundtree. [everyone stares] Richard Roundtree? The guy who played Shaft? [everyone murmurs in agreement]
Alan: That's way better than "snickerdoodle".
Herb: Judith calls mine "that thing".
Alan: As in, "Get that thing away from me"?
Herb: Yeah, how did you know?
Alan: Just a guess.

Greg: Alan, you're not gay.
Alan: Are you sure?
Greg: Do you find me sexually attractive?
Alan: No.
Greg: Do you find any man sexually attractive?
Alan: No. Uh, well, oh, maybe George Clooney.

Harvey's mother: Harvey, how many times have I told you not to leave an estate without telling me?
Harvey: Aw, mom...
Harvey's mother: Get in the car, we're going home.
Harvey: But mom, we're getting married!
Harvey's mother: To this trash? I don't think so.
Everlyn: Excuse me?
Charlie: Roll with it, Mom.
Harvey's mother: I'm counting to three, Harvey. One... Two...
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Everlyn: Keep the robe.
Harvey: Thanks. I'm not wearing pants.
Harvey's mother: Harvey, do I have to put you on my knees?
Harvey: I'm going. I'm going.
Harvey's mother: He's really a good boy, but these things happen when you marry a first cousin.
Charlie: I'd say they're lucky to have opposable thumbs.

Harvey: Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them [children], and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own.
Evelyn: Isn't that the truth? I think God gives us children so death won't come as such a disappointment.

Herb: [Repeated line] You're sugar-coating Hell, Alan.

Herb: Hey, Charlie, I've got a question for you.
Charlie: Yeah.
Herb: The hotel I'm staying at has pay-per-view adult movies.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Charlie: Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.
Herb: I mean, I can understand it with the ladies, but what's the deal with the fellas? It's like with an ugly house: a little shrubbery helps the curb appeal.
Charlie: I don't have an answer for you, Herb.
Herb: What about you? Do you trim the old hedges?
Charlie: Yep. They're shaped like Disney characters.

Herb: I'm a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you're into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?

Herb: Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?
Charlie: Oh, gee, Herb, that wasn't so much advice as, you know, social satire.
Herb: Well, it worked out great.
Charlie: Really? She bought that "king of the castle" crap?
Herb: No, she kicked my ass out. But the thing is, talking to you and seeing how you live, I'm convinced I'm better off single.
Charlie: Is that so?
Herb: Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?
[after seeing Jake's shoe stuck to the coffee table]

Indian doctor: We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "
Charlie: Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"

Isabella: Did you really think that you could just end this?
Charlie: I was kinda hoping.
Isabella: Dont you realize that our souls are now bound together destined to writhe ecstatically in blessed hellfire for all eternity?
Charlie: [to Alan] Boy, I know how to pick 'em, don't I?

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]: Dad, this is the wrong book.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Jake: It's in some sort of foreign language.
Alan: It's Elizabethan.
Jake: Well, can we get one in English?
Alan: Walk.