Evelyn: Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.
Charlie: Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.
Evelyn: Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.
Charlie: What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?
Evelyn: Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.
Alan: Um, you could use my car, Mom.
Evelyn: You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Evelyn: Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.
Charlie: It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?
Evelyn: You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Evelyn: Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
Charlie: I can read, Mom.
Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.
Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Charlie: Um, Mom...?
Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

Evelyn: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.
Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?
Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.
Charlie: Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

Evelyn: Excuse me, I'd like to say a few words before we fold up the dining room table and commence the square dancing. Alan, you are my son and I love you...but you and I are through.

Evelyn: Granted, I have no idea what's it like to be an eleven-year-old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to! Real unhappiness is when you're recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn't even send you a get-well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn't have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.
Alan: Well, if he didn't need a shrink before, he needs one now.

Evelyn: I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.
Charlie: Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?
Evelyn: Well, if you must know--
Alan: I don't need to know.
Evelyn: Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.
Charlie: With the Saudi prince?
Evelyn: Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Evelyn: I want you two and Jake to come to dinner and meet Tommy.
Both: Well...
Alan: Jake has this thing...
Charlie: Got work.
Alan: Judith will have Jake.
Charlie: Don't really want to.

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.
Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Evelyn: Look, Charlie, if you're really going to marry this woman, I want to get started on the right foot. I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Alan's wife June.
Charlie: Judith.
Evelyn: Oh, whatever. Heinous woman. The fact remains, had I overlooked that and welcomed her into the family, she wouldn't have kept me at arm's length all during Jake's formative years and I'd have a better relationship with him today.
Charlie: Do you want a better relationship with him?
Evelyn: Not the way he is now! But if I'd gotten to him earlier, he wouldn't have the manners of an outhouse rat.

Evelyn: So Charlie, how long have you been seeing this... lovely woman?
Charlie: Er...how long has it been, sweetie?
Lydia: Are you telling me you don't remember when we met?
Evelyn: The way he drinks?! There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs!
Lydia: Did his father drink?
Charlie: What choice did he have?!

Evelyn: Teddy lives in Denver but he does a lot of business in L.A., so I helped him find a little pied-à-terre in Century City.
Jake: What's a "pied-à-terre"?
Evelyn: It's French for "a place to play hanky-panky with Grandma".
Alan and Charlie: Mom!
Evelyn: Oh, relax, it's not gonna scar him.
Alan: Yeah, but what about us?

Evelyn: This event isn't televised, is it?
Charlie: No.
Evelyn: Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards.
Charlie: [hands his keys to Alan] Congratulations, you've just been elected tonight's designated driver.
Alan: Come on, just ignore her.
Charlie: Ignore her? It'd be easier to ignore blood in my urine!

Evelyn: We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!
Charlie: Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Evelyn: What do you do? I mean, besides my son.
Lydia: I'm in real estate.
Evelyn: How interesting, so am I.
Lydia: Oh, yes, Evelyn Harper! I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face.
Evelyn: Well, dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too.