Evelyn: Do you believe your future mother-in-law? Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass.
Charlie: I can read, Mom.
Jake: Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag.
Charlie: We can never go back, Jake.
Alan: Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world.
Evelyn: Easy for you to say. You're not marrying into The Addams Family.
Charlie: Oh, like you were a prize. Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancée's menu?
Evelyn: I am just trying to protect you from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife who will use your hard-earned money to finance a frivolous life of partying and shopping and unnecessary plastic surgery.
Charlie: Um, Mom...?
Evelyn: Every one of my surgeries was necessary! And if I had signed a prenup, you would never have gone to music camp, and Alan would have an overbite you could use to open a can of Pennzoil!
Kandi: I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams.

  »   More Quotes from Two and a Half Men
  »   Back to the TV Quotes Database