Two and a Half Men quotes
728 total quotesDr. Prajneep: What have you had to eat recently?
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
Charlie: He asked me what I ate.
Alan: And I told him.
Charlie: Nothing much.
Alan: He had Belgian waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of Scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four-year-old actress.
Charlie: He asked me what I ate.
Alan: And I told him.
Dr.Freeman: Hey Charlie, how's it going?
Charlie: Boy you really blew it this time.
Dr.Freeman: Did I now? How so?
Charlie:(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
Dr.Freeman:(distracted) Oop my bad
Charlie: Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.
Dr.Freeman: Sorry I must have been drunk.
Charlie: Boy you really blew it this time.
Dr.Freeman: Did I now? How so?
Charlie:(sighs) I've fallen in love with Chelsea.
Dr.Freeman:(distracted) Oop my bad
Charlie: Damn right your bad. There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no. You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.
Dr.Freeman: Sorry I must have been drunk.
Evelyn [during the funeral]: I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!
Evelyn [to Hiroshi]: Uh, Charlie is my number one son.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Charlie: Yeah, but she treats me like number two.
Evelyn: [About the menu] See anything you like dear?
Jake: I don't know. What's venison?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer. D-E-E-R.
Jake: What? W-H-A-T.
Evelyn: [To Alan] What's wrong with him?
Alan: Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.
Jake: Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!
Charlie: Coming soon to Pay-per-view.
Jake: I don't know. What's venison?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: Deer. D-E-E-R.
Jake: What? W-H-A-T.
Evelyn: [To Alan] What's wrong with him?
Alan: Jake, she means the deer in the forest, like uh, Bambi.
Jake: Oh cool, let's eat Bambi!
Charlie: Coming soon to Pay-per-view.
Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son. Of course, your brother didn't set the bar very high.
Evelyn: Alan, sweetheart, you know I only want the best for you, right?
Alan: Uh...
Evelyn: I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
Alan: You had other options?
Evelyn: Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
Charlie: And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
Alan: Uh...
Evelyn: I do! [to Berta and Rose]: I do! [to Alan]: Which is why, when Judith threw you out, I was right there supporting you.
Alan: You had other options?
Evelyn: Don't be naïve! I could have sucked up to Judith in order to have more access to my grandson. But, no, I burned that bridge. I said horrible things to her that I can never take back.
Charlie: And keep in mind, this is a woman who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast.
Evelyn: And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
Courtney: I'm sure you're not.
Evelyn: Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.
Evelyn: And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.
Charlie: That's good. Open with a joke.
Evelyn: Anyway, I have to string Mr. Goto along until I have something to show him that actually is for sale.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
Charlie: Oh, I understand. It's called a bait and switch, and it's a felony.
Evelyn: Oh, well, look at you taking the moral high ground, and with nary a bottle or whore in sight. Bravo.
Evelyn: As I said, Teddy's fine, but there are some areas in which he just... doesn't measure up... to Hugo.
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.
Season 5
Alan and Charlie: Oh, Mom!
Evelyn: It's the biggest I've ever seen. Makes it worth eating dinner at 3:30.
Season 5
Evelyn: Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?
Evelyn: Charlie was a planned baby.
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?
Alan: What was I?
Evelyn: Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas and a gas station condom.
[later]
Alan: Who buys condoms at a gas station?
Evelyn: Charlie, I need a favor.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.
Charlie: Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, and there's a long waiting list for both.